Yes,It has been many years now walking with the unknown ,even if I knew anything before .I came to a stop where Iam not sure about anything anymore.First, I allowed to follow blindly and do what I trusted it is the right thing to do.Year after year ,I look back and see that I am like the 4 and 5 years old I meet everyday who believe in fairy tales, magic and the superheros who will change the world with their touch of magic and the make believe super powers. And it wasn't me who has the magic or the super power,it was each situation I have been through and how I allowed my self to follow without questioning.Looking back and I say , yes, that is me who allowed to be the person I hardly know right now " Me" or the shadow that took place on top of the real me.
The shadow of fear and this fast track heart beat when Iam among crowed. I am no longer in peace when too much going on around me, stumble ,and trying to look away, to bring my normal breath back.Something from the past still chasing me .Like a child lost his/her parents and holding on anybody gives attention to her. Like a child who wants to feel safe and this security of someone to know .Yes, that feeling of complete dependency on someone to carry her through.Fears are the main thing that keep following me from the past , present and the moment to come.No believing my guts and here , falling in the same spot of ignorance and unawareness of everyday life . What this or that mean and how to manage day by day. The more I walk , my bruises keep to reveal themselves and bring me to this point that no more able to understand where I am and why things are going this way.
No social skills or life skills , a child in the body of an adult.All the walls are demolished . All barriers no more exist .Pouring out my heart , pain deeper feelings ,secrets and insights. I wanted to talk to release all these panic attacks and fears somehow. Day by day passes , year after year and no idea that all this will be used against my own humanity and I'll be in this spot one day, defendless, and no other way to go ,to come back to the survival mood knowing one day I was already dead ,so that is it .Watching all this going on, nothing to do but to keep moving and never look back.The child is growing in a very costly way.One day I was judged because of how I think and believe .Today, the judgement because of the way I choose.The child is growing and the battle never ended . You have to keep moving. Don't stop. Scenarios are repeating themselves.Scenarios are not understandable and the battle is keep happening , it never stops or want to give me a break.
This mind of wondering of everything around not able to get all the pieces together .Are there real humans that live the day to do without questioning or doubting or lifting each other up ? I came to a stop no more able to sense anything, refusing this child to grow. Growing means knowing more and that hurts. Growing means to come to the reality of where you are and why your life is not simple like many others. It is hard to be joyful around everything is being judged. This mentality I refuse to dwell in it and want understand what is right.
To realize the reality around , means you have to shut yourself down and be limited, concise and specific .No way around.And Yet , alot I don't know and alot I have been taken advantage of ,due to my ignorance and lack of knowledge .You will be undermined and no respect . No blame for anyone as it is me who has all the blame. Not understanding and walking with the unknown like a child ,never been a way for real life.Won't help to stand your ground when it is needed .Your lack of knowledge , wisdom and discernment that is your crime. A child in a body of an adult what a pathetic configuration to have about yourself that is why is easy to stumble and all the bad scenarios had happened. Seeking clarity ,you have no clarity ,you have to walk within the puzzle of life.To live as a victim ,this is the spirit of a loser and a person who is not able to carry the responsibility of each situation had happened and still happening.Lack of knowledge , understanding and clarity are the main components for anything to happen.
Trying to grow in a different way with a heart of service and giving your life and no one owns it .Only The One who created me own my life. He is the One who wonderfully and fearfully created me no one else.Everyone I meet is shaping a part of my whole story .That's God story who weaved my days and years.He made me so what else I do need.His spirit is alive and active in me.He carries me despite all what I had been through and yet, that gives me a new perspective about life.
Life is not everything we see.Life is the inner soul and peace that once was created in me. Iam His servant and that is how I want to understand and wondering How He created me and weaved my mind, body and soul.Why we are not all see each other like that? Why we keep on interpreting wrong messages and passing them to one another? Why we keep on classifying everyone according to our misconceptions and not be straight forward , instead of going on loops behind the scenes and wasting life. He saved me once , He was with me and still I do believe that ,so why all these mingled weeds keeping warping themselves around me and I am one not ten?
I understood that clarity and justice are just words not an act or a reality can live among us.We have to go through these unexplained detours from even others we don't know or barely know.The destruction of humanity is made by man not God, the hurt ,the pain ,the suffering not from God .We meant to weave all these tangled islands to keep authority and power over each other lives. That is the reality I do understand . that is the clarity that is needed to be more clear that humans are on earth to create their own realities .To create their own rules, policies and plots and schemes ,not God .
To understand God's will became a very fearful fact that I don't deserve anything of my own and it is all go back to Him. Living day by day in the shadow of His presence , knowing that I do don't deserve anything of my own , it is all His. Iam in a loop of illusion called truth. Question it or take it you have to understand and be clear where you are exactly are.All what is happening is not real so I have to deny everything and allow myself to reach the truth once again .None of what has been said is true and I don't know anymore what can I listen to and know that is true .Lack of honesty as well became a reality .We are in the race of serving two masters which is not from God.God lead me to the truth as Iam not able anymore to discern .
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