That's the thought that is coming back and forth into my mind most of the time these days. Yes, many mysterious events happened and getting harder since fall 2014. A very hard time Iam going through that first I didn't pay attention to it that is happening till April 2015. First I was overwhelmed by the amount of chaos , instability, hot events through the day .You don't understand what is really going on. Higher level of anxiety , no confidence in myself anymore ,even again the thought that Iam dead started to come back to me once again .I started to give any materialistic thing around me away as I don't want to feel carrying anything more important than me. I came to this deep belief that I already give it all before so I am no longer caring about what is around .I want to care about me where no one care. This stranger in a strange land who seeks to know herself and what she was created for .That's my mission and no one understands her where she is placed where everything is materialistically measured. The more I say no that is not me , the more the situation gets harder and harder .
I started to have the attitude of fight or flight . Other times i want to disappear , be on an isolated island where no bother at all.I started to hate myself and unable to feel the life around me .It is that feeling of being chained once again. One day a man chose to end my life and now what is happening and what wrong I did? Going through the fire sometimes with declaration Iam not a terrorist I am not a criminal ,Iam a human being what wrong with that .Speaking loud my mind , gets me in more and more hard situation and spot a person could ever imagined .Walking each day with question in your head " what wrong I did?" Seeking freedom of faith and choice does not mean still there are battles I have to go through .To drain hope in me .To limit my life in a psychological war .
Bringing me into this tight spots where I see no hope . Repetitive patterns keep happening .Reflecting on each day and another question comes to my mind " Is this how others see me and judge me? Thank you for that .Bringing myself to a spot of no hope , no choice ,no way out .Draining this spirit of doing inside of me .Again why no one owns me .I belong only to my creator who made me ,who set me free so what wrong I did?
When the battle slows down ,I say thank you my guardian angel .Thank you for looking after me while the world only judge the body .The body that one day someone abused and misused .Who am I? No longer know my old me.No more I belong to the old me .Losing confidence and trust .Wishing to be on the island with my guardian angel once again .he is the only one who sees me as Iam . The true me not the picture is trying to push itself into me life .He is the one who is giving me this ray of hope where there is no hope. Through my journey many broken promises, setbacks, hurts and it seems no end . Many times the question is keeping repeating itself ," what wrong I did?"
My dear guardian angel will you help me to find the answer and a castle of bad smoke started to shape its wall around my life and isolate me so I won't be able to sense a true life even for one day ,when I believe I do exist and I do value and nothing else more important than my soul and my true me that i am battling all the way long to bring her back to life ,No one could understand me around ,will you understand me my guardian angel .I love to come back to think to reveal my mind with confidence without being judged .To be and live .That's all about . Are you willing my guardian angel to walk with me with no hesitation that I do deserve a second chance?
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