God of wonders, God Almighty, God my God ,my father and my Creator . These are the words the came to my mind once I stroke by this idea how can I identify myself ? Who am I or who Am I truly are? Year after year , I started to learn about me and try to go deep inside to understand this complexity of my structure that was built over years . The first time I realized this it was like this : dysfunctional, one hundred million pieces scattered everywhere , hysterical , panicked , chasing thought to collect words or ideas that can make sense . Humpty Dumpty story ,couldn't put together again. A piece from west , another from east ,even we went in all original directions and sub- directions to experience if we can put humpty dumpty once again.
That was the first picture to see that brought me to another picture to reinvent yourself so you might understand who you were .Following blindly like a yo yo in the air . A child is happy to play with for a while and then get bored ,moving from one hand into another and got banged on the head millions of times and since it is just a thing , you couldn't reject or say " hey , stop banging on my head ." So the cycle goes round and round till you find yourself in an endless concurrent of tangled thread .That is not a good thing. And this is not something you like to understand yourself within. It is just a thing .Nope, that is not what it meant .Humpty dumpty is trying not to be scrambled egg with everything on top .Humpty dumpty once was and it could happen again .
That doesn't make sense , let's go back again with identifying my own self .Wait a minute don't take me again in this silly tale to tell again and again and here you say to yourself , excuse me you have to know yourself or it won't ever happen to understand exactly what is the meaning of being here on earth. Ok. What about you are a number or you are a machine that is functioning only because it exists. What about that living as a living thing by means breathing ,eating ,go to night night and all what you need to know that you have daily tasks to do so no further understanding than this. That will be good to experience .So, being the machine means no feelings , no emotions as they are the ones who brought you to this point in your life .Feelings and emotions means hurt so machines don't feel and that is a good thing all they do when they are misused or burnt out ,they stop working and here the need for a technician either to repair it to be back to function or to replace it with brabd new one and as you know broken machines , if the function again, they won't function with the fill power once they had , you have to be so careful about using them , gentle usage and that is not a good thing either to know that you are a broken machine that need care and lots of repairs , no one will be comfortable around her .As the steering wheel is not functioning at its high perfect speed ,so come on.That is really exhausting .Will you please think again .This is not something anyone want to know or hear .Please try to remember me .How I functioned one day in the world .
It is a battle never end ,especially after trauma .Witnessing many examples of humpty dumpty around through these year , there end was so dramatic ,either addiction , committing crime or suicide or even being red flag everywhere they go.That lead me to ask many questions why their stories ended like that wait a minute each one of them had Jesus in their lives and were surrounded by Christians and yet , the bad events and drama never stopped till they disappeared from life and here the panic ,the anxiety are being lifted to a higher level why each story has to end like that .Humpty dumpty never put together again .Each story represents a life of a woman , a girl and a family ,each story leave a question mark why each story has to end like that .Is this will be my story as well ? Carrying my anxiety and fears to who ever I meet and here my life turned over istead of questioning it turned to me to be questioned and have question marks around me so instead of finding a way of hope and joy for humpty dumpty , I became again a scrambled eggs .
Jesus I turn the question to you now , you gave your life to give me life. Your promise come to me all ye heavy burden and I'll give you rest. You promised to let us drink from the living water to be filled with the fruit of the spirit love , joy , peace , forbearance, kindness , goodness, faithfulness ,gentleness and self-control.Fruits that crown us with your relentless mercy . Fruits means the most valuable harvest of good things to nurture our body , mind and soul . Jesus you never promised that those who dwell in you will live in bitterness and grieve till the end of their lives .This is not the hope that you came for Jesus .Now my question is turning to you in you we find our refuge and strength. Nothing else. So , hard to see the enemy's battle within your body , where we have to be one we stand against each other .I want to understand my soul in you Jesus.
That is how I would like to find myself and through you , not as the world design and plan .Let's go back to the origin of the story why God gives His only begotten son to be on earth in the flesh , being trialed and accused and those who opposed Him never accepted Him till He was on the cross and all this has to happen to fulfill our heavenly father on earth to reunite us again with our heavenly father , to forgive all our sins , to give us eternal life that starts once you invite Christ into your life .As he came for you .You become His own who was made and remade for His glory not for bitterness or sin.So why not I dwell in that this is me and that is the true me .
That is so simple , not being man-made toy or machine that can expire at anytime or being destroyed and crushed with no mercy .You are in Jesus and you represent the fruit of the holy spirit that is my life is all about .Away from all the hurt , pain or chains that are trying to rob you away from you foundation in Jesus Christ. Understanding your true self means know who you belong to and what he called you "His own child" .In Christ I found my salvation and the endless song of love and acceptance .Try to stand your ground for He called you by name .You are His daughter ,and He will never stain you or hurt you ,for His language always the language of love and healing .
My healing exists in my savior and lord who gives me life . LORD, help me to have my peace once again , to forgive all the transgressions and pain and hurt had been done. Jesus help me to break through into your grace and love and you already paved the way for me , I listened to the message of love that you always repeating and wants me to believe it at the church today " LOVE WINS" After the service i was all shaken , trembled as these moments from the past triggers themselves again into my mind and my body started to react .This shakiness that I want to break free from so help me LORD .Help me I do need it to live my present that you have gifted me with .
Jesus ,I know that you are wherever I go.. It is me who needs not to give a chance for the enemy to control how I feel when the words of pain and hurt are mentioned. Help me to get back to the spot of healing and understanding for all your love that overcome the whole world .Help me to forgive in Jesus name ,in Jesus name .In your Mighty name , in Your Holy presence .In Your endless grace and peace help me to forgive .Jesus ,Jesus you are my life .You gave your life already .It is me who needs to believe it even without seeing it .I lay everything again at the cross .You are my life ,Heavenly father who cares , loves and protect till you call me home Iam yours ,help me to forgive ,do help me to life a life to witness your goodness in our lives all these drama is not from you ,that is not you Jesus .In You ,I found my hope, healing and the joy that I lives once and I want it back.Help me to offer the life of hope not death lord .Lord Jesus this is not from you .You are the lord of love , mercy and kindness this is you mighty power and nothing on earth can bring this into a human life , only you Jesus and this me in you a witness to the hope that I found in Jesus Christ that is my ground.
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