Searching within Me

In a journey , searching for the true meaning of being. Shadows are moving around my vision to the world around me. Thoughts and ideas that represent the dark picture of the world I had been through one day. Looking at everything around with the same old mind set that there is evil everywhere and it is going to get me no matter what Iam trying to do. Expecting wrong in every step I take. Fears and worried fill my day , what a picture to be in . It brings more and more fears and shrinking within the scope of the true everyday life. Block the vision from seeing the light around , trying to reach me and all my attention is on the wrong side.

That takes decades of my mind .Not able to see the good that surrounds me even Iam walking in this dark shadows of the other side in life. That confusion between two different worlds ,I have lived in. Reaching an intersection of resting and where I found my fountain of idleness love and grace.  Yet , the old is trying to hold me back from dwelling in this rest .Distractions , escalations of events and turning my sight into struggles in my everyday life .Here , my question comes " God: where are you from all of this?" And why these voices that surround me once again. I don't want to be there anymore. Iam not comfortable with that. I don't want be like that .


The roads are not clear enough,yet this voice of mercy and acceptance is drawing you more and more .Till I get to stand ,I don't care anymore about my suffering or struggle asI know it is not from you God.You are my heavenly father, the father of the fatherless and widows and helpless even the broken .You alone who understands us all .We come to your fountain of endless love. To represent your kindness in the middle of fires and the heat of rejection , betrothal and deceit .No good there. You don't feel your soul can strive in the middle of hate or discrimination .God this is not you and that what I choose to believe .  Your kindness and grace give breeze to my tired body and soul. I walked long way to seek you and to have a life in you .I wasn't able to recognize your voice in the middle of chaos and struggle .Till the storm has been settled for a while to draw me close to you ,to your temple where there was an appointment to meet with you there ,again as it happens many times , you alone who can draw me near to you .You see my heart and soul . My mind and my body that you created it all . Iam your creation that reflect your self righteousness in making me the way I am.

Iam not a property anymore. I refuse to believe the lies that has been told ,Iam not qualified, I don't fit ,I don't have what it takes, I am not worthy and Iam a disaster anywhere I go. Seeing my in a very dark spot in others eyes that is not from you Jesus.That is not you either . Jesus I saw you eye to eye and that is how my whole life has been changed. I met with you in the darkest moments in my life and I drank from your well , who drinks from your will , will never be thirsty again. You sow you love and grace within me , you have changed me . Jesus , what a blessing to be chosen by you. Giving me hope and grace to walk with you , knowing that all past decisions I made was based on lies and decide not on the truth.

Today's service at the church was about " Everything happens for a reason" .  that what we have been taught. For my recent 5 years here my friend always telling me that .She always reminds me of the NAZI concentration camps and what had happened to the Jews and here I have to accept my suffering for everything happens for a reason . As Christians are persecuted by radicals so I have to accept my struggle and each hard situation I face as Jesus did and do nothing as no justice here in the world and our real home is in heaven . Our whole life will be when we go home . I was deeply hurt and that hurt affects my present life and I know there is something wrong there against me out there and yet It is not honestly revealed ,that  leads me to reason that what I had to go through the pain, the suffering and the panic attacks and unable to understand why ? Why killing the human in me , is that how it has to be??? Today's message is telling me something I always believe about God. God is good ,this is an unchangeable truth. God never sent hurt and suffering for us. And whatever wrong happens to us , we have to look back and ask ourselves this question , " What part I made to contribute to this pain and suffering to happen to me? -Taking responsibility of decisions we make and their consequences . That 's taking charge of your human being and you are not supposed to follow what ever you feel it is not from God. That what i do believe . Many will try to break you down and this is not from God.

So interesting to read one of the face book posts after this morning service and it was on The Veteran's Site Face book page and it says," Everything happens for a reason , Just believe " That's a deep thought , so when others deceit you and lie to you or cheat on you , it is ok and accept it? - When there's no guidance and you are being abused and used  and you are being mislead , is it ok and accept it? -When things go wrong and we find ourselves in the middle of chaos and stress that leads us to drama , troubles and confusion , is this right and accept it , do nothing? - Is this how God wants our lives to be? What a troubles picture about the will of God for us ?? Is this God's will ? That is hard to believe as always I believe God is good , faithful and has compassion on everyone He created for we are His . Here the world is asking us to surrender and accept  the hurt , which leads me to more and more hurt as since we open the door to the enemy to have control on our lives ,to determine who is in and who is out .Who should be happy and should not . Who is to be near and who who has to be away . This is not God . This is not His will either.

To understand the will of God ,I have to clear all these messy views and thoughts that  have been dwelling in me from decade to decade and chained me till paralyzing my mind to be able to see the truth in God's eye. To be captive to lies that affect the whole life of a human been . That is not what meant to be set free in Jesus name . It is not the moment you mention the name of Christ by mouth , it is the moment when He touches your heart and clear the dummy vision of the dark that chain you for the sake of the enemy . Who doesn't love you . He pretends to be your friend and in the deep bottom He is jealous of God's love to you. Not understanding the twist here did brought me to many costly experiences that took my brokenness as a tool to hammer me and get me out of God's love and mercy . Here lies the struggle when you earnestly seek Him and always questioning ,is this what you want God? Is this from you and He never delay His answer of confirmation of His love to me and here His will for me to stand strong in my faith in Him as my Heavenly father , my loving kind father who is proving His tenderness through His word and the paths i walk through .Even there are flames, Yet , His endless love is always casting His shadows over me. He wants me to keep going no matter the lies around . Seeing Him at the end of the tunnel waiting for me to welcome me in His endless love and grace.

That what my life is about. The flesh is tired , no more living in the flesh .Walking the path to His endless grace in my life and be His wonderful creation He ever made. Searching ,seeking and for sure that he knows me and sees me , so walking my path in Him that is my call and that what Iam longing for .Looking for His rays of hope as always and will be .He is awakening me from the lies and deceit that brought me to more deep and profound search within my soul .