On my way to work this morning , flash backs are coming on and off through my mind . It has been the week of Teacher's Appreciation and at the same time getting the kids ready to celebrate Mother's Day and allowing them to do their gifts to their moms . A time I used to have it once with my kids before the law of the land separates us. Looking at myself now and how God carried me ,despite all the storms and differences ,I have to go through them and I say to myself , look at you know ,no more melt down and a broken mountain of tears that I gave many hard times with these times. I had my break down and I couldn't understand at that time that this is part of the consequences , the awakening after my 9/11 . High doses of anger , bitterness and emotions i couldn't control .
Looking at myself now and recognizing how everybody played a part either in participating in my healing journey or arousing them and escalating these emotions till the melt down happens. Yes , I had been among all groups of humans and experiencing their reactions and actions towards my hyper-arousal . Two schools of life I shared my story with them , one school is pressing on digging deep into the pain and allowing all the anxieties to come to the surface. Questioning who Iam and whyIam here and what brought me to the states ,sometimes I feel it is an indirect method of investigation , other I feel as if I am a lab rat , a case study for the nature of women in my culture , other times I felt as if I have been being used and misused , all negative talk and thoughts that took me to a wild ride to explore my true me .Saying ,No , this is not from God .God never meant for us to be lab rats or victims to unknown agendas .No ,No .
For the other school is reaching out to you in God's grace , no condemnation, no judgement , no questioning or digging deep in the past and the hurt will keep going .The school reached me through teaching God's word and why Jesus . What is grace and our identity in Jesus Christ .Year after year ,Teaching me God's grace ,that clam my soul .Reaching a point to be still and know that there is God who is calling me His beloved. This is the sound I heard since my childhood , this is the voice that separated me from my flesh. This the voice that called me by name. This is the voice that settled in my soul and I was carving it and it did .Yes, this is what my kids saw in my and this is what keep them loving me , even I am not with them .Jesus , your voice calms the storms , your voice allows me to pay attention to what is from you and what is not . A whole complete different world .You are healing me . Putting my trust in you that it is all in your hand. I don't have to explain to anyone how I feel not being able to be a mom or why I am that way ,for you know and you understand how I feel .
I choose not to listen to the voice that will bring trouble to my soul. I choose not to follow everyone's desires in the world. I choose to serve with fully hearted that you know me .Jesus In these days when each mom is being celebrated , I choose to walk with you , to learn your love and grace to be given as you gave it to us. May be Iam not loud and claiming my hurt that day as I know you are carrying us all , my kids and me . May be we are in different routes right now and yet , your love and grace cover us all . I choose with my free will to learn your amazing grace and live by your grace.
One day my choice was to have a family and make this family different from all what had happened in my life and The world said another word that we can't be together .Jesus even I can't see them physically ,I know you see us all. Jesus , only you who understands me. I choose to walk with you and glorify your name in each step I take .Jesus it is my journey to know myself in you . In this day I pray you will bless each mother on earth with your loving kindness , to touch their hearts and they can hear your voice and identify it , follow it and pass this to their kids .Jesus you are my hope , my refuge and my master .You own me and Iam yours, I choose to be in Christ and walk in trust and choose with all my free will is given to me by you Jesus ,to lead me and guide me , in your grace ,Amen
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