Meeting and Separation

If I want to talk about this , it will be the story of my life. Imagine a person was born in a mansion and this mansion was filled with people .The women inside it were different .They were to move quietly and being submissive to every day of their lives only life express itself in the evening meeting around the big table , eating and celebrating the harvest has been done in the day. Yes , these evening gatherings were the fist picture that never left my mind and it sounded really good till the child started to show the features  of growing up .I mean the bodily feature and specifically girls and I happened to be a girl .

All the laughing and enjoying this multi generations turned completely different as I was supposed at age of 13 to be treated as a woman . Without any prior introductions or telling me what this mean or why I should be that way, my sister and my cousins were so happy with this role they are going to take .Means getting married and have her own space where she can be like her aunt or another cousin .For me it didn't make sense .It meant fears and being submissive without a choice was not a conception in my mind .

At the age of 13 I saw myself as my male cousins who came back from their military service or job or Engineering school and how the have their own desk ,tools and room to think ,to do and to build their projects and share them with us in the big gathering the family had during our summer vacation . That was my mind over there. I didn't look at my body as they look at it and they withdraw my attention to this difference .A girl is for marriage and it is shame to go outside and mingle with the public .It is shame to have friends outside our family .It is shame to dress certain way or talk a certain way .You have to be like a doll. Dress up even there is no need to dress up. I remember I started to choose my shoes , men style with laces and pants and I started to sign the memory book before we graduate from middle school with the signature Eng.Manal and all my mates believed the dream with me .Not knowing since then Iam going to start a whole different direction .The shame of being a girl or a teenage girl when the worries and punishment started to suppress any dream inside of me . i don't see myself the way they want me to be .Spending my life in two complete worlds. A world of loving neighbors and supporting teachers and a flesh that are chasing me for being a girl and had to have a man to control her or by means to carry her shame of being a girl .

got engaged 3 times to three cousins and it didn't work as I couldn't see myself as many women in my family getting married many times and never being able to say no this is not what I want for my life. my mom married three times ,my dad married 4 times ,I had siblings I don't know or being in connection with them .All I tried to escape to be the same story .I saw my life in a different way . The stubbornness never   left my spirit . Even with all the rejection and hinders in my way ,I kept saying to myself Iam not a stereotype . Being angry with God ,Even believed that there is no God and I put my focus on school and work and inside Iam completely angry . Meeting with so many who give me more questions to ask about my identity and who I truly I am .So , the battle turned into resentment of the one everybody see her as a body not anything else . That put me in so many trials and hardships as from the deep bottom I know there is something above all of this and yet the battle never end.

My life personally and professionally enabled me to move and travel and the more it happens ,I know that there is an understanding for me beyond all what I see. I lost many battles. Being framed , accused and filled with anger and rejection ,even rejection to myself .No meaning to my life .No one wanted to stay close this burning fire of anger and resentment .Running from my failures and trying to find myself and the meaning of my life . All the past is chasing me in every form that represent the flesh and I say to myself , could I know the true me one day? As the flesh perish , never stays the same , we are consumed , and getting old and through al of this ,are we supposed to be put on a shelf or thrown away for something more young and new ,this is not what life is about .There is something more beyond all of this.

Facing the same battle over and over , even through my brokenness , made me away from any sense of life and wondering what is wrong? Talking alot about the wrong with faces we meet and think that we are getting our answers from them , brings us to the same circle that is the desperation . Different visions ,different goals and different life styles .Departing from the life of a Mansion into the big wise world that resembles the high waves of the oceans and again asking myself where is your vision that you one day believed in .Years pass and my understanding is getting deeper of a life of real sense of service and service in a way God truly designed me to be .Not being someone else .We go through many phases in our life .The dreamy pure days , the wild ones and here come the stage of wisdom and discernment .

When I hear or read life is a journey ,I say ,Yes to that in the journey that is filled with mystery and deep stories that only happen once .In each one of us there are lots of deep stories that may go unnoticed and these stories are the ones that shaped who we are right now .When you say life is journey , you have to walk your own journey .Meet others as guidance through your way to the destination God is already prepared for you and you have to walk certain passage ,some are tough , some are light .Some are cheerful others take our breath out of sadness and grief .Life is a journey , we meet the kind, the wise and the wild that add something into our character that will profess itself one day ,with no fears or threats being weak . The life that will profess the hope that is in you . Enjoy the journey , enjoy each piece of it . Many times I don't understand why my life is a wild story to be told ,sometimes I could grasp what God's will behind all of this ,all I know I have to be my true self and seeking the purpose and meaning of my life and to serve with a meaning , no more running. Among us people meeting and separation happen and only one meeting when it happens , there will never be separation .This is the day God met with you ,for He was waiting for me to pay attention to Him and to turn to Him .To hear His calling voice upon me and try to listen and understand that His meeting never means He will never leave you , nor forsaken you for He is the ONE we see, this is the journey to understanding our meeting with Him and what kind of a servant He made me. That is my journey and that is where my heart is lying and resting in Him and He will make my path clear one day .He will lead me and guide me to His will with no anger or resentment for I'll know this is His voice and this is His calling for me .I can't see myself anywhere else ,even the world see me different .He knows and sees me . He is always there .