" Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing ."
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Encouragement , seeing hope , lifting each other up no matter how we see each other with the eye of the world measurement .How that can be a mind shifting towards drawing our attention to see one another in the eyes of Jesus . How that could be a vital point of assurance and comfort to a troubled soul . How far we can see hope along our way ? Not fears .
The greatest designer showed us how His mind look like ,The greatest engineer ,scientist and heavenly father .he cared about each detail for the life He created for The most mysterious creation he ever made , us , human beings . He built everything with His unfading word .I imagine His passion ,His ultimate level of creativity to create life the way it is . No one is able to understand it completely and the more you are trying to understand His creation ,you fall in love with His endless love and grace .You come to know that His grace is enough .
Coming back to the world with all its conflicts , and unrest due to the hunger for more and more that created all the stories of breaking down one another and trying to control others lives .leaving no choice for them to feel their humanity .That humanity , that is equal for everything on earth .The same made , breath and formation of thoughts ,feelings and emotions and how life scenarios ,created up by man , confused that beauty once exist .
The world never stopped fighting or bringing many down , looking for the its and bits of the micro creation made by man . That micro creation is not authentic as it is established on others lives and the suffering and the tears of the helpless . Dividing the world into chips , each slice rank differently from the other .Creating this barrier of understanding the beauty that is created within us . How far you can survive all these conflicts in your life ? And is this the way of Jesus or How God meant for us? Hardly to break through that cloud of lies and stories that truly bringing one another down .
Is it true that the world always looking for a prey to satisfy their greed and made up scenarios ? If so , How can you stand in the light of Jesus and acknowledge such injustice and to be heard and believed ? Can humans express their inner thoughts without being judged and labeled? Can human beings be able to express their dreams without being suppressed or taken away from them . We live in the age of no boundaries , no brooders . Those who don't have voice for themselves are an easy prey for those who have the power and know the ins and outs .Can any of these voiceless speak up without being condemned and being framed and here no security could be found in their lives ? That deep injustice of modern teleology and the hidden agendas from everywhere .All missed up the beauty that once was created within you .
Moving far and far , living in isolation and trapping your soul as you have been shattered down .And this is not the way of Jesus . The harm do exist and can't be expressed any more . Fleeing your freedom and a deep cry to find hope and safety for the life that was created once , freely from Him our greatest designer and creator . Escaping all schemes that are trying to put you down , they did it once , twice and so many times in your early years of faith . You have been grounded, broken down and the hurt crippled you from running any more as it is the hidden injustice that only God can see and He is the Only One who can lift you up , bringing you back to Him ,restoring your soul that once was beaten with your permission and you were the witness for that to happen . Can the voiceless have voice one day , to reflect His gracious goodness in their life? Can they sing one song to praise Him freely with no looking with the eye of the world? Can they give Him all the glory and honor in each step they take ? Can they move freely as human beings , belong not to the world and they belong to Him alone . Their maker knows what brings joy into His kingdom and what makes the angels sing with them the same rhythm for they are both only understand this heart and voice and to who it belongs ? Can they walk with no fear of all the swords that aiming at them to slice any piece of hope that is created in them by Him ? Can they truly be ?
Reading God's word gives me comfort and ability to see what is not seen . His word is my light and guide and He is my greatest teach to who I give my life . For it is His and I know from the deep bottom of my heart that His grace is enough .
Seeing the world with His eyes ,He made me to build , to think and to give thanks for all He has done for me . Jesus there is another cry out to you , lead me and guide me . Jesus in you alone I trust . I am tired of anything not from you ,for you are my teacher , helper and refuge . Jesus lead me .
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
My Wishes And Dreams
" Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; but when the desire cometh , it is a tree of life ."
Proverbs13:12
Thinking of how we were created , directly my mind goes to our brains and heart and how they master the symphony they are shaping our life . According to my limit resources there is alot to explore about human brain and its complex built-up and communication among neurons , synapses into our hearts and to the whole body .A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand contains 100.000 neurons and 1 billion synapses .Your heart beats 100,000 everyday . So in our mechanism that is designed by God , there is co-ordination , balance, accuracy and everything is designed so perfectly ,So why this is happening from the beginning when we are created with the right proportions and the genius mathematics formula and here there is something that takes this equation into another calculations and different out comes .The question is are we aware of our components and why they were created that way and if these percentages and sums go wrong , do we search the truth why we get to this point ? Do we act in the point of rational and logic or there is something is being added to the equation that makes all the out comes not the same ?
For my limited knowledge and experience I come back always to our steamroller of life feelings and emotions . So , the components were fearfully and wonderfully made and yet , the outcome is different due to this part that resemble the main factor of all the sorts of relationships formation among us .How we perceive one another and do we look at the big picture of humanity or we are holding a binocular to spot each other equation forgetting working on our own equation ? Who Iam and why I was created and what God made me for , by means interpretation your unique code of creation which is formed through your wishes and dreams God put in your heart.
Each one of us has wishes and dreams , and here how we stand for them , here comes another equation that forgetting who we are and identifying our unique code and going into this life roller coaster equation feelings and emotions that are shaped either by the environment you are surrounded with or your own personal journey which reveals alot whether you are aware of your journey of discovering your unique code that was designed even before you exist on earth , in your mother's womb and even before being taught by anyone you meet in the journey of life .
Wished and dreams may differ from one age into another as through life you will meet many who will inspire you or being role model to you and give you this aha moment .Yes , this is me and this how my heart and mind work together . It is only you who can determine who you are as you were created before anyone else can say I want you to do this or be like this , simple question to ask yourself Is this what really God meant for me ? or I am allowing circumstances and controlling powers to determine how I should be? God with God's desires for you .He is faithful , kind , honest , true and He will never lead you astray .For He knows my mind and my heart are to Him belong ,he knows me even before I was born .He knows me even before my journey has just begun .I put all my wishes and dreams to align with His will , for He is good , sincere and He is my help . Thank you Jesus .
Proverbs13:12
Thinking of how we were created , directly my mind goes to our brains and heart and how they master the symphony they are shaping our life . According to my limit resources there is alot to explore about human brain and its complex built-up and communication among neurons , synapses into our hearts and to the whole body .A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand contains 100.000 neurons and 1 billion synapses .Your heart beats 100,000 everyday . So in our mechanism that is designed by God , there is co-ordination , balance, accuracy and everything is designed so perfectly ,So why this is happening from the beginning when we are created with the right proportions and the genius mathematics formula and here there is something that takes this equation into another calculations and different out comes .The question is are we aware of our components and why they were created that way and if these percentages and sums go wrong , do we search the truth why we get to this point ? Do we act in the point of rational and logic or there is something is being added to the equation that makes all the out comes not the same ?
For my limited knowledge and experience I come back always to our steamroller of life feelings and emotions . So , the components were fearfully and wonderfully made and yet , the outcome is different due to this part that resemble the main factor of all the sorts of relationships formation among us .How we perceive one another and do we look at the big picture of humanity or we are holding a binocular to spot each other equation forgetting working on our own equation ? Who Iam and why I was created and what God made me for , by means interpretation your unique code of creation which is formed through your wishes and dreams God put in your heart.
Each one of us has wishes and dreams , and here how we stand for them , here comes another equation that forgetting who we are and identifying our unique code and going into this life roller coaster equation feelings and emotions that are shaped either by the environment you are surrounded with or your own personal journey which reveals alot whether you are aware of your journey of discovering your unique code that was designed even before you exist on earth , in your mother's womb and even before being taught by anyone you meet in the journey of life .
Wished and dreams may differ from one age into another as through life you will meet many who will inspire you or being role model to you and give you this aha moment .Yes , this is me and this how my heart and mind work together . It is only you who can determine who you are as you were created before anyone else can say I want you to do this or be like this , simple question to ask yourself Is this what really God meant for me ? or I am allowing circumstances and controlling powers to determine how I should be? God with God's desires for you .He is faithful , kind , honest , true and He will never lead you astray .For He knows my mind and my heart are to Him belong ,he knows me even before I was born .He knows me even before my journey has just begun .I put all my wishes and dreams to align with His will , for He is good , sincere and He is my help . Thank you Jesus .
Saturday, May 21, 2016
It Has Been A Journey
" By the grace of God I am what I am , and His grace toward me did not prove vain."
1 Corinthians 15:10
So true , leaving my home country walking in the unknown .Not sure if I am going to live or not .Who I'll be with or where I could live .Yes , for six years now , it has been a journey .Journey of wonders and so many things happened and still happening . Why me and where Iam going , it is the question that keeps revealing itself with each storm I go through . Living in reality and witnessing God's grace , love and mercy in the hearts and minds for those who love Him.
As a stranger in a stranger land , I have been carried into so many adventures and discoveries . Non of them was thought of or planned as I didn't have any plan for how my life is going to be once I walked away from my old life . In the Journey , in each moment of our lives we witness either a cry , a loss or confusion or being lost in so many directions around . Holding up on temporary solutions or believing whatever we meet in our way and here our grounds may be shaken . Detours happen , frustration and disappointments take place that lead to blindness and unrest which is not the way of Jesus.
We hurt one another with over looking on each other. Indignation , labeling , judgement , criticizing and putting one another in hard places ....... the ownership of man to man , by means , alot forget who we all belong to and they appoint themselves as owners of those who have no way out in life. I call it modern slavery , once you lost your life and being kicked out into the unknown , not everyone you will meet through your journey represent Our Creator , not everyone is real ambassador for the body of Christ .So , it is common to happen as a sinking person that hope exists in everything you meet in your journey ,so you are too much trusty and open . And here among the good ones lie the ones who by nature seeking a situation to control and be part of wicked plot . As a blind , confused person , you give this permission so willingly and here comes the trauma of being too much trusty . Here the shift of your boat on top of hot lava and burning fire comes out of such hard situation , you put yourself in .
It has not been an easy journey , as through trials I lost my confidence and trust . Living 5 years in isolation as finger pointing is now everywhere, the crazy , the untrusted person and the weirdo who has been walking with this labeling for the third year . Taking advantage of my panic attacks , ignorance and fears , brought me down to a spot that when I am alone ,Iam safe . The theory of conspiracy and labeling affected how I look at the world around me .The more Iam isolated , the more ,Iam calm and safe. Scared to initiate a conversation with a stranger or walk around a crowd .Scared to sit among huge gathering of people as I don't belong , I don't fit and I am labeled . Afraid to ask each question comes to my mind .Walking like a turtle as I don't know from where the next strike into my life will come. Imagining everyone around with a sword at the back and getting it ready to stab me over and over and this is not the way of Jesus .
Trying to convince myself that when you don't understand , ask. When you are confused , seek guidance. When you are in doubt confront . When you are desperate , turn it all to Jesus . put your burden , your load before Him and seek His clarity to you. Allow the Holy spirit to work on you . Then , see what God wants you to do.... Following God's directions is the purist way of living , hence comes peace and acceptance .Also , co-existence
Learning to understand God's grace and hope and how it could be , that is my life journey learning process . So thankful for all His loyal servants who are teaching me ,what having a life of grace means . Where acceptance and belonging can be witnessed through the years . And for all those who have been hard on me ,thank you as you are showing me what not to be . In Him we overcome . He knows me and sees me .He walks before me ,even in tribulations ,He is always proving He is a Mighty God . Thank you Jesus .
Monday, May 16, 2016
My Refuge And My Help And Faithful Fellow
To explain our relationship together , sometimes I couldn't find the words that can honorably describe my relationship with Him . First of all , He chose me . As His own and as His masterpiece that created once . Getting to know Him never came in a normal way or ordinary life events, each time He is revealing Himself to me , comes with a huge mountain I find myself climb .It is that unknown ways that you see yourself dragged to walk through it . many times ,it has to be now , even with fears and tears or whatever you can imagine more than fear factor challenges ,it is the walking with the unknown . All you do is to keep climbing , hoping you'll reach the summit and see the end of the actions and steps you think , yes , I can do it .Yes, I'll keep moving .Yes , He is there ,I'll see Him somehow .Your faith is leading you through that unknown with all the struggles and challenges and questions ,Iam carrying with me through the way .
What kind of a relationship that makes you attracted to that challenge to finish till the end point ? What Kind of a relationship that makes you find joy in the suffering and gives you the strength to walk through this suffering with hope within me that Iam going to meet with Him face to face ? what kind of a relationship that changes you from this person who used to believe an eye for eye and a life for a life and nothing but anger and hatred and rejections are the ways to prove your existence and your power to overcome all challenges? what kind of a relationship that stops you from competing till you lose your destination ,finding yourself fighting against yourself as no body left ? What kind of a relationship that draws your attention to the real suffering happens in the world , a world void of this kind of relationship that changed me once?
lots and lots of question marks that stops me and makes the landmarks of my steps in the mountain of His recognition , the mountain of His identity and viewing my His image in the walking steps on the earth . Once He touches your heart you can not see anything like before .He reveals Himself at the times of complete darkness , He proves His presence when everyone left and He is there for you , glorifying His loving kindness around you that you know that nothing else you need .He is there 24/7 for me to call upon His Mighty name .I don't have to think once or twice if I called Him any time or wanted to talk with Him personally .He won't turn His face away from me or ignore me or reject me .Or run on the other side to avoid me .He won't judge my talk to Him .He won't make excuses or lie to me or make up stories to distract me or mislead me .He won't block me from His e-mail list or do whatever we experience in the flesh in our normal everyday life. He won't say something and do the other .He won't promise and break these promises .His word is unshakable . He won't kick me out of the place and He won't mock me or plot against me .why He would do any of these things and Iam His own Hand made ?
He is my owner and to who I belong. He brought me to this life for a reason , for being a life proof of His loving kindness and mercy . He never cause evil to happen to me. He is always there for me , on my side .As His daughter and her Heavenly father who leads me and guide me through His way of righteousness .He is my faithful life fellow.Who sees me the way I am and accepted me the way I am no sarcasm, judgement , labeling or mocking He is the truth , the way , the life . Who else can be life this for me ,who gives with no conditions, who made me and made everything for me to be a witness for His awesome kindness ,His undiluted love and mercy .Where I have no place ,he made a place for me .When Iam sick ,He heals me ,when Iam weak ,He gives me strength . Can you imagine how far our relationship is knotted in a holy bond , unshakable , Undeniable . Untouchable . whatever mountains ,Iam climbing , My faith will not be shaken , for I know in who I dwell .Why the world want to take this out of me .He won't allow this to happen as he is my refuge , my help and my life fellow .The Mighty One , The One who made Heavens and earth Iam in a personal relationship with Him . Asking Him to lead my way and guide me through it .
What kind of a relationship that makes you attracted to that challenge to finish till the end point ? What Kind of a relationship that makes you find joy in the suffering and gives you the strength to walk through this suffering with hope within me that Iam going to meet with Him face to face ? what kind of a relationship that changes you from this person who used to believe an eye for eye and a life for a life and nothing but anger and hatred and rejections are the ways to prove your existence and your power to overcome all challenges? what kind of a relationship that stops you from competing till you lose your destination ,finding yourself fighting against yourself as no body left ? What kind of a relationship that draws your attention to the real suffering happens in the world , a world void of this kind of relationship that changed me once?
lots and lots of question marks that stops me and makes the landmarks of my steps in the mountain of His recognition , the mountain of His identity and viewing my His image in the walking steps on the earth . Once He touches your heart you can not see anything like before .He reveals Himself at the times of complete darkness , He proves His presence when everyone left and He is there for you , glorifying His loving kindness around you that you know that nothing else you need .He is there 24/7 for me to call upon His Mighty name .I don't have to think once or twice if I called Him any time or wanted to talk with Him personally .He won't turn His face away from me or ignore me or reject me .Or run on the other side to avoid me .He won't judge my talk to Him .He won't make excuses or lie to me or make up stories to distract me or mislead me .He won't block me from His e-mail list or do whatever we experience in the flesh in our normal everyday life. He won't say something and do the other .He won't promise and break these promises .His word is unshakable . He won't kick me out of the place and He won't mock me or plot against me .why He would do any of these things and Iam His own Hand made ?
He is my owner and to who I belong. He brought me to this life for a reason , for being a life proof of His loving kindness and mercy . He never cause evil to happen to me. He is always there for me , on my side .As His daughter and her Heavenly father who leads me and guide me through His way of righteousness .He is my faithful life fellow.Who sees me the way I am and accepted me the way I am no sarcasm, judgement , labeling or mocking He is the truth , the way , the life . Who else can be life this for me ,who gives with no conditions, who made me and made everything for me to be a witness for His awesome kindness ,His undiluted love and mercy .Where I have no place ,he made a place for me .When Iam sick ,He heals me ,when Iam weak ,He gives me strength . Can you imagine how far our relationship is knotted in a holy bond , unshakable , Undeniable . Untouchable . whatever mountains ,Iam climbing , My faith will not be shaken , for I know in who I dwell .Why the world want to take this out of me .He won't allow this to happen as he is my refuge , my help and my life fellow .The Mighty One , The One who made Heavens and earth Iam in a personal relationship with Him . Asking Him to lead my way and guide me through it .
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Meeting and Separation
If I want to talk about this , it will be the story of my life. Imagine a person was born in a mansion and this mansion was filled with people .The women inside it were different .They were to move quietly and being submissive to every day of their lives only life express itself in the evening meeting around the big table , eating and celebrating the harvest has been done in the day. Yes , these evening gatherings were the fist picture that never left my mind and it sounded really good till the child started to show the features of growing up .I mean the bodily feature and specifically girls and I happened to be a girl .
All the laughing and enjoying this multi generations turned completely different as I was supposed at age of 13 to be treated as a woman . Without any prior introductions or telling me what this mean or why I should be that way, my sister and my cousins were so happy with this role they are going to take .Means getting married and have her own space where she can be like her aunt or another cousin .For me it didn't make sense .It meant fears and being submissive without a choice was not a conception in my mind .
At the age of 13 I saw myself as my male cousins who came back from their military service or job or Engineering school and how the have their own desk ,tools and room to think ,to do and to build their projects and share them with us in the big gathering the family had during our summer vacation . That was my mind over there. I didn't look at my body as they look at it and they withdraw my attention to this difference .A girl is for marriage and it is shame to go outside and mingle with the public .It is shame to have friends outside our family .It is shame to dress certain way or talk a certain way .You have to be like a doll. Dress up even there is no need to dress up. I remember I started to choose my shoes , men style with laces and pants and I started to sign the memory book before we graduate from middle school with the signature Eng.Manal and all my mates believed the dream with me .Not knowing since then Iam going to start a whole different direction .The shame of being a girl or a teenage girl when the worries and punishment started to suppress any dream inside of me . i don't see myself the way they want me to be .Spending my life in two complete worlds. A world of loving neighbors and supporting teachers and a flesh that are chasing me for being a girl and had to have a man to control her or by means to carry her shame of being a girl .
got engaged 3 times to three cousins and it didn't work as I couldn't see myself as many women in my family getting married many times and never being able to say no this is not what I want for my life. my mom married three times ,my dad married 4 times ,I had siblings I don't know or being in connection with them .All I tried to escape to be the same story .I saw my life in a different way . The stubbornness never left my spirit . Even with all the rejection and hinders in my way ,I kept saying to myself Iam not a stereotype . Being angry with God ,Even believed that there is no God and I put my focus on school and work and inside Iam completely angry . Meeting with so many who give me more questions to ask about my identity and who I truly I am .So , the battle turned into resentment of the one everybody see her as a body not anything else . That put me in so many trials and hardships as from the deep bottom I know there is something above all of this and yet the battle never end.
My life personally and professionally enabled me to move and travel and the more it happens ,I know that there is an understanding for me beyond all what I see. I lost many battles. Being framed , accused and filled with anger and rejection ,even rejection to myself .No meaning to my life .No one wanted to stay close this burning fire of anger and resentment .Running from my failures and trying to find myself and the meaning of my life . All the past is chasing me in every form that represent the flesh and I say to myself , could I know the true me one day? As the flesh perish , never stays the same , we are consumed , and getting old and through al of this ,are we supposed to be put on a shelf or thrown away for something more young and new ,this is not what life is about .There is something more beyond all of this.
Facing the same battle over and over , even through my brokenness , made me away from any sense of life and wondering what is wrong? Talking alot about the wrong with faces we meet and think that we are getting our answers from them , brings us to the same circle that is the desperation . Different visions ,different goals and different life styles .Departing from the life of a Mansion into the big wise world that resembles the high waves of the oceans and again asking myself where is your vision that you one day believed in .Years pass and my understanding is getting deeper of a life of real sense of service and service in a way God truly designed me to be .Not being someone else .We go through many phases in our life .The dreamy pure days , the wild ones and here come the stage of wisdom and discernment .
When I hear or read life is a journey ,I say ,Yes to that in the journey that is filled with mystery and deep stories that only happen once .In each one of us there are lots of deep stories that may go unnoticed and these stories are the ones that shaped who we are right now .When you say life is journey , you have to walk your own journey .Meet others as guidance through your way to the destination God is already prepared for you and you have to walk certain passage ,some are tough , some are light .Some are cheerful others take our breath out of sadness and grief .Life is a journey , we meet the kind, the wise and the wild that add something into our character that will profess itself one day ,with no fears or threats being weak . The life that will profess the hope that is in you . Enjoy the journey , enjoy each piece of it . Many times I don't understand why my life is a wild story to be told ,sometimes I could grasp what God's will behind all of this ,all I know I have to be my true self and seeking the purpose and meaning of my life and to serve with a meaning , no more running. Among us people meeting and separation happen and only one meeting when it happens , there will never be separation .This is the day God met with you ,for He was waiting for me to pay attention to Him and to turn to Him .To hear His calling voice upon me and try to listen and understand that His meeting never means He will never leave you , nor forsaken you for He is the ONE we see, this is the journey to understanding our meeting with Him and what kind of a servant He made me. That is my journey and that is where my heart is lying and resting in Him and He will make my path clear one day .He will lead me and guide me to His will with no anger or resentment for I'll know this is His voice and this is His calling for me .I can't see myself anywhere else ,even the world see me different .He knows and sees me . He is always there .
All the laughing and enjoying this multi generations turned completely different as I was supposed at age of 13 to be treated as a woman . Without any prior introductions or telling me what this mean or why I should be that way, my sister and my cousins were so happy with this role they are going to take .Means getting married and have her own space where she can be like her aunt or another cousin .For me it didn't make sense .It meant fears and being submissive without a choice was not a conception in my mind .
At the age of 13 I saw myself as my male cousins who came back from their military service or job or Engineering school and how the have their own desk ,tools and room to think ,to do and to build their projects and share them with us in the big gathering the family had during our summer vacation . That was my mind over there. I didn't look at my body as they look at it and they withdraw my attention to this difference .A girl is for marriage and it is shame to go outside and mingle with the public .It is shame to have friends outside our family .It is shame to dress certain way or talk a certain way .You have to be like a doll. Dress up even there is no need to dress up. I remember I started to choose my shoes , men style with laces and pants and I started to sign the memory book before we graduate from middle school with the signature Eng.Manal and all my mates believed the dream with me .Not knowing since then Iam going to start a whole different direction .The shame of being a girl or a teenage girl when the worries and punishment started to suppress any dream inside of me . i don't see myself the way they want me to be .Spending my life in two complete worlds. A world of loving neighbors and supporting teachers and a flesh that are chasing me for being a girl and had to have a man to control her or by means to carry her shame of being a girl .
got engaged 3 times to three cousins and it didn't work as I couldn't see myself as many women in my family getting married many times and never being able to say no this is not what I want for my life. my mom married three times ,my dad married 4 times ,I had siblings I don't know or being in connection with them .All I tried to escape to be the same story .I saw my life in a different way . The stubbornness never left my spirit . Even with all the rejection and hinders in my way ,I kept saying to myself Iam not a stereotype . Being angry with God ,Even believed that there is no God and I put my focus on school and work and inside Iam completely angry . Meeting with so many who give me more questions to ask about my identity and who I truly I am .So , the battle turned into resentment of the one everybody see her as a body not anything else . That put me in so many trials and hardships as from the deep bottom I know there is something above all of this and yet the battle never end.
My life personally and professionally enabled me to move and travel and the more it happens ,I know that there is an understanding for me beyond all what I see. I lost many battles. Being framed , accused and filled with anger and rejection ,even rejection to myself .No meaning to my life .No one wanted to stay close this burning fire of anger and resentment .Running from my failures and trying to find myself and the meaning of my life . All the past is chasing me in every form that represent the flesh and I say to myself , could I know the true me one day? As the flesh perish , never stays the same , we are consumed , and getting old and through al of this ,are we supposed to be put on a shelf or thrown away for something more young and new ,this is not what life is about .There is something more beyond all of this.
Facing the same battle over and over , even through my brokenness , made me away from any sense of life and wondering what is wrong? Talking alot about the wrong with faces we meet and think that we are getting our answers from them , brings us to the same circle that is the desperation . Different visions ,different goals and different life styles .Departing from the life of a Mansion into the big wise world that resembles the high waves of the oceans and again asking myself where is your vision that you one day believed in .Years pass and my understanding is getting deeper of a life of real sense of service and service in a way God truly designed me to be .Not being someone else .We go through many phases in our life .The dreamy pure days , the wild ones and here come the stage of wisdom and discernment .
When I hear or read life is a journey ,I say ,Yes to that in the journey that is filled with mystery and deep stories that only happen once .In each one of us there are lots of deep stories that may go unnoticed and these stories are the ones that shaped who we are right now .When you say life is journey , you have to walk your own journey .Meet others as guidance through your way to the destination God is already prepared for you and you have to walk certain passage ,some are tough , some are light .Some are cheerful others take our breath out of sadness and grief .Life is a journey , we meet the kind, the wise and the wild that add something into our character that will profess itself one day ,with no fears or threats being weak . The life that will profess the hope that is in you . Enjoy the journey , enjoy each piece of it . Many times I don't understand why my life is a wild story to be told ,sometimes I could grasp what God's will behind all of this ,all I know I have to be my true self and seeking the purpose and meaning of my life and to serve with a meaning , no more running. Among us people meeting and separation happen and only one meeting when it happens , there will never be separation .This is the day God met with you ,for He was waiting for me to pay attention to Him and to turn to Him .To hear His calling voice upon me and try to listen and understand that His meeting never means He will never leave you , nor forsaken you for He is the ONE we see, this is the journey to understanding our meeting with Him and what kind of a servant He made me. That is my journey and that is where my heart is lying and resting in Him and He will make my path clear one day .He will lead me and guide me to His will with no anger or resentment for I'll know this is His voice and this is His calling for me .I can't see myself anywhere else ,even the world see me different .He knows and sees me . He is always there .
Friday, May 6, 2016
Free Choice and Free Will
On my way to work this morning , flash backs are coming on and off through my mind . It has been the week of Teacher's Appreciation and at the same time getting the kids ready to celebrate Mother's Day and allowing them to do their gifts to their moms . A time I used to have it once with my kids before the law of the land separates us. Looking at myself now and how God carried me ,despite all the storms and differences ,I have to go through them and I say to myself , look at you know ,no more melt down and a broken mountain of tears that I gave many hard times with these times. I had my break down and I couldn't understand at that time that this is part of the consequences , the awakening after my 9/11 . High doses of anger , bitterness and emotions i couldn't control .
Looking at myself now and recognizing how everybody played a part either in participating in my healing journey or arousing them and escalating these emotions till the melt down happens. Yes , I had been among all groups of humans and experiencing their reactions and actions towards my hyper-arousal . Two schools of life I shared my story with them , one school is pressing on digging deep into the pain and allowing all the anxieties to come to the surface. Questioning who Iam and whyIam here and what brought me to the states ,sometimes I feel it is an indirect method of investigation , other I feel as if I am a lab rat , a case study for the nature of women in my culture , other times I felt as if I have been being used and misused , all negative talk and thoughts that took me to a wild ride to explore my true me .Saying ,No , this is not from God .God never meant for us to be lab rats or victims to unknown agendas .No ,No .
For the other school is reaching out to you in God's grace , no condemnation, no judgement , no questioning or digging deep in the past and the hurt will keep going .The school reached me through teaching God's word and why Jesus . What is grace and our identity in Jesus Christ .Year after year ,Teaching me God's grace ,that clam my soul .Reaching a point to be still and know that there is God who is calling me His beloved. This is the sound I heard since my childhood , this is the voice that separated me from my flesh. This the voice that called me by name. This is the voice that settled in my soul and I was carving it and it did .Yes, this is what my kids saw in my and this is what keep them loving me , even I am not with them .Jesus , your voice calms the storms , your voice allows me to pay attention to what is from you and what is not . A whole complete different world .You are healing me . Putting my trust in you that it is all in your hand. I don't have to explain to anyone how I feel not being able to be a mom or why I am that way ,for you know and you understand how I feel .
I choose not to listen to the voice that will bring trouble to my soul. I choose not to follow everyone's desires in the world. I choose to serve with fully hearted that you know me .Jesus In these days when each mom is being celebrated , I choose to walk with you , to learn your love and grace to be given as you gave it to us. May be Iam not loud and claiming my hurt that day as I know you are carrying us all , my kids and me . May be we are in different routes right now and yet , your love and grace cover us all . I choose with my free will to learn your amazing grace and live by your grace.
One day my choice was to have a family and make this family different from all what had happened in my life and The world said another word that we can't be together .Jesus even I can't see them physically ,I know you see us all. Jesus , only you who understands me. I choose to walk with you and glorify your name in each step I take .Jesus it is my journey to know myself in you . In this day I pray you will bless each mother on earth with your loving kindness , to touch their hearts and they can hear your voice and identify it , follow it and pass this to their kids .Jesus you are my hope , my refuge and my master .You own me and Iam yours, I choose to be in Christ and walk in trust and choose with all my free will is given to me by you Jesus ,to lead me and guide me , in your grace ,Amen
Looking at myself now and recognizing how everybody played a part either in participating in my healing journey or arousing them and escalating these emotions till the melt down happens. Yes , I had been among all groups of humans and experiencing their reactions and actions towards my hyper-arousal . Two schools of life I shared my story with them , one school is pressing on digging deep into the pain and allowing all the anxieties to come to the surface. Questioning who Iam and whyIam here and what brought me to the states ,sometimes I feel it is an indirect method of investigation , other I feel as if I am a lab rat , a case study for the nature of women in my culture , other times I felt as if I have been being used and misused , all negative talk and thoughts that took me to a wild ride to explore my true me .Saying ,No , this is not from God .God never meant for us to be lab rats or victims to unknown agendas .No ,No .
For the other school is reaching out to you in God's grace , no condemnation, no judgement , no questioning or digging deep in the past and the hurt will keep going .The school reached me through teaching God's word and why Jesus . What is grace and our identity in Jesus Christ .Year after year ,Teaching me God's grace ,that clam my soul .Reaching a point to be still and know that there is God who is calling me His beloved. This is the sound I heard since my childhood , this is the voice that separated me from my flesh. This the voice that called me by name. This is the voice that settled in my soul and I was carving it and it did .Yes, this is what my kids saw in my and this is what keep them loving me , even I am not with them .Jesus , your voice calms the storms , your voice allows me to pay attention to what is from you and what is not . A whole complete different world .You are healing me . Putting my trust in you that it is all in your hand. I don't have to explain to anyone how I feel not being able to be a mom or why I am that way ,for you know and you understand how I feel .
I choose not to listen to the voice that will bring trouble to my soul. I choose not to follow everyone's desires in the world. I choose to serve with fully hearted that you know me .Jesus In these days when each mom is being celebrated , I choose to walk with you , to learn your love and grace to be given as you gave it to us. May be Iam not loud and claiming my hurt that day as I know you are carrying us all , my kids and me . May be we are in different routes right now and yet , your love and grace cover us all . I choose with my free will to learn your amazing grace and live by your grace.
One day my choice was to have a family and make this family different from all what had happened in my life and The world said another word that we can't be together .Jesus even I can't see them physically ,I know you see us all. Jesus , only you who understands me. I choose to walk with you and glorify your name in each step I take .Jesus it is my journey to know myself in you . In this day I pray you will bless each mother on earth with your loving kindness , to touch their hearts and they can hear your voice and identify it , follow it and pass this to their kids .Jesus you are my hope , my refuge and my master .You own me and Iam yours, I choose to be in Christ and walk in trust and choose with all my free will is given to me by you Jesus ,to lead me and guide me , in your grace ,Amen
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Searching within Me
In a journey , searching for the true meaning of being. Shadows are moving around my vision to the world around me. Thoughts and ideas that represent the dark picture of the world I had been through one day. Looking at everything around with the same old mind set that there is evil everywhere and it is going to get me no matter what Iam trying to do. Expecting wrong in every step I take. Fears and worried fill my day , what a picture to be in . It brings more and more fears and shrinking within the scope of the true everyday life. Block the vision from seeing the light around , trying to reach me and all my attention is on the wrong side.
That takes decades of my mind .Not able to see the good that surrounds me even Iam walking in this dark shadows of the other side in life. That confusion between two different worlds ,I have lived in. Reaching an intersection of resting and where I found my fountain of idleness love and grace. Yet , the old is trying to hold me back from dwelling in this rest .Distractions , escalations of events and turning my sight into struggles in my everyday life .Here , my question comes " God: where are you from all of this?" And why these voices that surround me once again. I don't want to be there anymore. Iam not comfortable with that. I don't want be like that .
The roads are not clear enough,yet this voice of mercy and acceptance is drawing you more and more .Till I get to stand ,I don't care anymore about my suffering or struggle asI know it is not from you God.You are my heavenly father, the father of the fatherless and widows and helpless even the broken .You alone who understands us all .We come to your fountain of endless love. To represent your kindness in the middle of fires and the heat of rejection , betrothal and deceit .No good there. You don't feel your soul can strive in the middle of hate or discrimination .God this is not you and that what I choose to believe . Your kindness and grace give breeze to my tired body and soul. I walked long way to seek you and to have a life in you .I wasn't able to recognize your voice in the middle of chaos and struggle .Till the storm has been settled for a while to draw me close to you ,to your temple where there was an appointment to meet with you there ,again as it happens many times , you alone who can draw me near to you .You see my heart and soul . My mind and my body that you created it all . Iam your creation that reflect your self righteousness in making me the way I am.
Iam not a property anymore. I refuse to believe the lies that has been told ,Iam not qualified, I don't fit ,I don't have what it takes, I am not worthy and Iam a disaster anywhere I go. Seeing my in a very dark spot in others eyes that is not from you Jesus.That is not you either . Jesus I saw you eye to eye and that is how my whole life has been changed. I met with you in the darkest moments in my life and I drank from your well , who drinks from your will , will never be thirsty again. You sow you love and grace within me , you have changed me . Jesus , what a blessing to be chosen by you. Giving me hope and grace to walk with you , knowing that all past decisions I made was based on lies and decide not on the truth.
Today's service at the church was about " Everything happens for a reason" . that what we have been taught. For my recent 5 years here my friend always telling me that .She always reminds me of the NAZI concentration camps and what had happened to the Jews and here I have to accept my suffering for everything happens for a reason . As Christians are persecuted by radicals so I have to accept my struggle and each hard situation I face as Jesus did and do nothing as no justice here in the world and our real home is in heaven . Our whole life will be when we go home . I was deeply hurt and that hurt affects my present life and I know there is something wrong there against me out there and yet It is not honestly revealed ,that leads me to reason that what I had to go through the pain, the suffering and the panic attacks and unable to understand why ? Why killing the human in me , is that how it has to be??? Today's message is telling me something I always believe about God. God is good ,this is an unchangeable truth. God never sent hurt and suffering for us. And whatever wrong happens to us , we have to look back and ask ourselves this question , " What part I made to contribute to this pain and suffering to happen to me? -Taking responsibility of decisions we make and their consequences . That 's taking charge of your human being and you are not supposed to follow what ever you feel it is not from God. That what i do believe . Many will try to break you down and this is not from God.
So interesting to read one of the face book posts after this morning service and it was on The Veteran's Site Face book page and it says," Everything happens for a reason , Just believe " That's a deep thought , so when others deceit you and lie to you or cheat on you , it is ok and accept it? - When there's no guidance and you are being abused and used and you are being mislead , is it ok and accept it? -When things go wrong and we find ourselves in the middle of chaos and stress that leads us to drama , troubles and confusion , is this right and accept it , do nothing? - Is this how God wants our lives to be? What a troubles picture about the will of God for us ?? Is this God's will ? That is hard to believe as always I believe God is good , faithful and has compassion on everyone He created for we are His . Here the world is asking us to surrender and accept the hurt , which leads me to more and more hurt as since we open the door to the enemy to have control on our lives ,to determine who is in and who is out .Who should be happy and should not . Who is to be near and who who has to be away . This is not God . This is not His will either.
To understand the will of God ,I have to clear all these messy views and thoughts that have been dwelling in me from decade to decade and chained me till paralyzing my mind to be able to see the truth in God's eye. To be captive to lies that affect the whole life of a human been . That is not what meant to be set free in Jesus name . It is not the moment you mention the name of Christ by mouth , it is the moment when He touches your heart and clear the dummy vision of the dark that chain you for the sake of the enemy . Who doesn't love you . He pretends to be your friend and in the deep bottom He is jealous of God's love to you. Not understanding the twist here did brought me to many costly experiences that took my brokenness as a tool to hammer me and get me out of God's love and mercy . Here lies the struggle when you earnestly seek Him and always questioning ,is this what you want God? Is this from you and He never delay His answer of confirmation of His love to me and here His will for me to stand strong in my faith in Him as my Heavenly father , my loving kind father who is proving His tenderness through His word and the paths i walk through .Even there are flames, Yet , His endless love is always casting His shadows over me. He wants me to keep going no matter the lies around . Seeing Him at the end of the tunnel waiting for me to welcome me in His endless love and grace.
That what my life is about. The flesh is tired , no more living in the flesh .Walking the path to His endless grace in my life and be His wonderful creation He ever made. Searching ,seeking and for sure that he knows me and sees me , so walking my path in Him that is my call and that what Iam longing for .Looking for His rays of hope as always and will be .He is awakening me from the lies and deceit that brought me to more deep and profound search within my soul .
That takes decades of my mind .Not able to see the good that surrounds me even Iam walking in this dark shadows of the other side in life. That confusion between two different worlds ,I have lived in. Reaching an intersection of resting and where I found my fountain of idleness love and grace. Yet , the old is trying to hold me back from dwelling in this rest .Distractions , escalations of events and turning my sight into struggles in my everyday life .Here , my question comes " God: where are you from all of this?" And why these voices that surround me once again. I don't want to be there anymore. Iam not comfortable with that. I don't want be like that .
The roads are not clear enough,yet this voice of mercy and acceptance is drawing you more and more .Till I get to stand ,I don't care anymore about my suffering or struggle asI know it is not from you God.You are my heavenly father, the father of the fatherless and widows and helpless even the broken .You alone who understands us all .We come to your fountain of endless love. To represent your kindness in the middle of fires and the heat of rejection , betrothal and deceit .No good there. You don't feel your soul can strive in the middle of hate or discrimination .God this is not you and that what I choose to believe . Your kindness and grace give breeze to my tired body and soul. I walked long way to seek you and to have a life in you .I wasn't able to recognize your voice in the middle of chaos and struggle .Till the storm has been settled for a while to draw me close to you ,to your temple where there was an appointment to meet with you there ,again as it happens many times , you alone who can draw me near to you .You see my heart and soul . My mind and my body that you created it all . Iam your creation that reflect your self righteousness in making me the way I am.
Iam not a property anymore. I refuse to believe the lies that has been told ,Iam not qualified, I don't fit ,I don't have what it takes, I am not worthy and Iam a disaster anywhere I go. Seeing my in a very dark spot in others eyes that is not from you Jesus.That is not you either . Jesus I saw you eye to eye and that is how my whole life has been changed. I met with you in the darkest moments in my life and I drank from your well , who drinks from your will , will never be thirsty again. You sow you love and grace within me , you have changed me . Jesus , what a blessing to be chosen by you. Giving me hope and grace to walk with you , knowing that all past decisions I made was based on lies and decide not on the truth.
Today's service at the church was about " Everything happens for a reason" . that what we have been taught. For my recent 5 years here my friend always telling me that .She always reminds me of the NAZI concentration camps and what had happened to the Jews and here I have to accept my suffering for everything happens for a reason . As Christians are persecuted by radicals so I have to accept my struggle and each hard situation I face as Jesus did and do nothing as no justice here in the world and our real home is in heaven . Our whole life will be when we go home . I was deeply hurt and that hurt affects my present life and I know there is something wrong there against me out there and yet It is not honestly revealed ,that leads me to reason that what I had to go through the pain, the suffering and the panic attacks and unable to understand why ? Why killing the human in me , is that how it has to be??? Today's message is telling me something I always believe about God. God is good ,this is an unchangeable truth. God never sent hurt and suffering for us. And whatever wrong happens to us , we have to look back and ask ourselves this question , " What part I made to contribute to this pain and suffering to happen to me? -Taking responsibility of decisions we make and their consequences . That 's taking charge of your human being and you are not supposed to follow what ever you feel it is not from God. That what i do believe . Many will try to break you down and this is not from God.
So interesting to read one of the face book posts after this morning service and it was on The Veteran's Site Face book page and it says," Everything happens for a reason , Just believe " That's a deep thought , so when others deceit you and lie to you or cheat on you , it is ok and accept it? - When there's no guidance and you are being abused and used and you are being mislead , is it ok and accept it? -When things go wrong and we find ourselves in the middle of chaos and stress that leads us to drama , troubles and confusion , is this right and accept it , do nothing? - Is this how God wants our lives to be? What a troubles picture about the will of God for us ?? Is this God's will ? That is hard to believe as always I believe God is good , faithful and has compassion on everyone He created for we are His . Here the world is asking us to surrender and accept the hurt , which leads me to more and more hurt as since we open the door to the enemy to have control on our lives ,to determine who is in and who is out .Who should be happy and should not . Who is to be near and who who has to be away . This is not God . This is not His will either.
To understand the will of God ,I have to clear all these messy views and thoughts that have been dwelling in me from decade to decade and chained me till paralyzing my mind to be able to see the truth in God's eye. To be captive to lies that affect the whole life of a human been . That is not what meant to be set free in Jesus name . It is not the moment you mention the name of Christ by mouth , it is the moment when He touches your heart and clear the dummy vision of the dark that chain you for the sake of the enemy . Who doesn't love you . He pretends to be your friend and in the deep bottom He is jealous of God's love to you. Not understanding the twist here did brought me to many costly experiences that took my brokenness as a tool to hammer me and get me out of God's love and mercy . Here lies the struggle when you earnestly seek Him and always questioning ,is this what you want God? Is this from you and He never delay His answer of confirmation of His love to me and here His will for me to stand strong in my faith in Him as my Heavenly father , my loving kind father who is proving His tenderness through His word and the paths i walk through .Even there are flames, Yet , His endless love is always casting His shadows over me. He wants me to keep going no matter the lies around . Seeing Him at the end of the tunnel waiting for me to welcome me in His endless love and grace.
That what my life is about. The flesh is tired , no more living in the flesh .Walking the path to His endless grace in my life and be His wonderful creation He ever made. Searching ,seeking and for sure that he knows me and sees me , so walking my path in Him that is my call and that what Iam longing for .Looking for His rays of hope as always and will be .He is awakening me from the lies and deceit that brought me to more deep and profound search within my soul .
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