August 31, 2016 a very crucial date in my journey. When you feel that you are doing what has to be done, to do your part of responsibility and give back to the place the open its door to you when you had no door open. The land that open its door not only for me but for the whole world. So, I was so pleased of what I have realized and Iam being part of this whole entire principal for a nation to stand for and here I was hit by my car accident that switched my thinking to a million of thoughts , bringing up old trauma's and fears. What is going on??? what wrong had happened and once again the feeling life/death chances stirred itself once again. Taking me to love/hate equation and feeling disconnected and a huge desire to seek justice and something is going to be ok.
All anger controlled my actions and feelings of rejection , no acceptance to people like me. Is this a moment of declaration that no place for me on earth? Is this them what is wrong with me and why all this is going on , trying to do my best working two jobs only to be able to do my part. I was blessed with plenty, a roof above my head, a job, the privilege to be able to drive after a struggle of 5 years among friends taking me around , driving schools and taxis. Iam trying to do my part so what wrong I did? what am I not paying attention to? God are you angry with me so you are punishing me? Or a stranger like me has no place on earth? what do you want to tell me God??
Posting the accident pics on social Media and going into the journey of seeking resolutions for the situation after back and forth with the insurances I understood that Iam covered with uninsured Vehicle and the ray of hope started to happen. God has another surprise for me in the situation when they offered me a standard rental car smart engine car. So God is turning everything around and Iam being treated royalty and with full respect and dignity. I was honored to be treated like that. So grateful and thankful , yet, when you give a diamond to a dummy here all the issue . Having the car for almost a week and here I had to attend an event and here the hidden trauma is manifesting itself when I choose to park down a hill and when I was asked to come at the front that requested to reverse so I can come out , here the wrong decision take place first I didn't ask for help to allow the receptionist or the host to help me bring the car out, second I had two parking options other than that and I didn't make smart choice by then. Thirdly, instead of steering the wheel to the right, I did it to the left that resulted in hitting the wall , injured the car badly, broke the light and the wheel got scratched. Another horrible choice I admit Iam completely responsible for it. So Iam not a good steward for others property , reporting the second accident on a row on 9/17/2016 . Later after that after finishing along work day, driving hoe back here no headlights , so dark so I hit a median and went to the wrong lane , a miracle from heaven happened when the coming car right away changed the lane , I decided not to continue driving and parked at a shopping center, decided to spend the night in the car till the morning so I can take the rental car back and I don't forgive myself at all for my lack of responsibility and uncontrolled nerves .
All my body is shaken and all I want to get myself together again a question rises again what is going on? Something wrong with me. I decided to text my friend to let them know where I am if something happen to me through the night. Right away they decided to drive and get to help me and not to spend the night at the car. They did come to where I am and again Jesus is saving my life , turning the head lights on for me, again I learnt when you are not yourself and being in panic, thinking is blocked to do the right action.
They lead me to where I live, make sure I am ok and yet no one knows how I feel but God and me, I am all shaken , fast heart beat and feeling falling deep deep down, yes, Iam ignorant , yes, there is alot to learn and be aware of, to be mindful to open your eyes for the right action at the right time and be prepared, all this take me to a spot of paralyzing and fears fill my inner soul, wondering why I am this way and why I am not able to help myself the right way? Everyone is helping me to move forward in my life and Iam not helping myself so what can i expect more?I do believe prayers work and make a difference in our lives. so what iam praying for avoiding trials or overcoming trials? what are you praying for? and if you are doing what is right why the outcomes don't reflect that??
The hurt now is coming from me, the hurt now is affecting others around me. I lost my control over my day as I don't trust myself anymore in doing the right action each time i face trial or struggle, my body is speaking another language now, the language of fire nervous and anxiety and stress, all trauma post effects are coming to the surface, pain in my arms, shaken and pressure on my left eye and left side of the brain , and when your body is trying to warn you , you have to listen. you have to pause and think what I have to do to know what is going on within me right now? Talked with my friend , my fellow in the journey of faith who opened her doors for me when i have no place o go, going together to the doctor and after all the talk ,I was diagnosed with Stress , the modern age illness , hardly to escape it , yet i didn't like the medicine that has been prescribed to me (Valium) as I do believe through the word of God He will heal you, through surrender to His voice within you ,He will heal you, giving up control and meditate, do natural remedies and activities as I used to do at the time of the high peaks of trials, I wonder where that person? I can not see her anymore, i see a defeated body and this is not of Jesus, with the power of prayers I declare that the battle is not mine, it is the LORD and He is in control. In the power of the name of Jesus I declare His presence in the mildest of my trial. it is a warfare to keep me in my captivity to the evil. In the power of the name of Jesus I give it back all to Him to lead me and guide me through the path of His righteousness.
To break free from all these strongholds that keep me captive and easy material for the enemy. The battle is God , He is in control in the mighty name of Jesus,Amen
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