Another month of 2016 almost is going to say goodbye tomorrow and sooner a new month with a new hope and beginning. To stand for what truly within me not someone else. To see true me without make up or graphic enhancement. To say it loud to myself this is me accept her , forgive her and reconcile with her. Yes, if you wait for everything to change around you, you are wasting your life , time and the most precious gift is given to you from heaven that 's your breath, your beingness , to be who you truly are, like a weed, yes you stand , like a black sheep, yes, you can survive, yet, not to be compromised. Being the way I am doesn't allow me to throw myself into the deep ditch of life that brings nothing but hurt and emptiness. My silence has been translated into weaknesses and helplessness and is easy to get hurt. Walking in silence sometimes it hurts itself as it may be lack of understanding your true-self.
And when the cycle repeats itself, don't blame anyone else. Who deserves all the blame is myself so,I have to go back to myself, and forcing myself to delayer the hurt that occurred , to face my weakness and brokenness without shame or being guilty for all the past. If Iam judged with my past life, then what Jesus had done on the cross for me is no use or meaningless. And this is a lie I don't have to listen to it or believe it. He paid a heavy price to set me free and washes me away from sin,so why allowing the false voices to cut me off and dwell in the darkness and that where my warfare is taking place. Sabotaging each hope can spring from the least expected places or face I've ever met. To shut the door in front of these lies took so many years out of my life to be able to see them as they truly are , lies and not the truth.
All the transformation that is happening, doesn't happen in a simple action of a day, it happens like a roller coaster takes me in a very high wave of conflict, struggle confusion and unrest. As if all the lies are focused on me not someone else. The attack is sever emotionally and mentally that affected me now and my health and that what any scheme wants from anyone who seeks to know God on the purest and clear foundation to believe in His written word ,to listen to His whispers in the midst of each storm . I heard and read alot about the spiritual warfare, can not imagine one day that I'll go through it. And what is funny that you don't know what it is till you reach you weakest point of strength, when there is no strength to fight back, depending on my own understanding that leads to more downfalls and thirst , tiredness to see anymore or even being able to listen to any other voice or be present in the moment. The spiritual warfare takes you to a spot when you stop to believe whether what you see or hear is true or not. Unable to distinguish between the light and the dim light that exhaust your vision to see clearly what is upfront or behind or what to do next. When all voices around sound alike, with a fainted body to lay all the peaks and mountains before you at the cross, where is everything is done and finished, you collect your sorrows, burdens, tiredness and confusion at the cross where you meet with Him and He is waiting for you to come back to him to remind you over and over what he truly is and what you truly mean to him. He did what he did because he loves you so much, so why I keep forgetting each time I face a storm . Not remembering who is greater than any storm and who I belong to and who has the power to forgive, heal and gives you rest. His rest may mean you have to lay everything at the cross and trusting in him that he will take care of. Maybe it is to see your mistakes and why you did them so you can repent and allow him to wash you over and over again to renew you mind and soul to see through his light what he wants you to do or not to do.Rest may mean there is a part you have to make as it is life that is given to us through him and for him so what do want to do with this precious gift for you? Rest may be mean shutting down all negative voices and listen to his true voice and see your true self.
It is a journey that through it I saw alot, I did alot and learnt alot. It is a journey of a child of God who do believe that she has her life for him and this is not being understood for so many reason and being unable to see the true me and allowing the storms to shuffle my days into a waste . living like an empty paper, nothing is marked on it. Living as tree , fruitful and yet these fruits doesn't make a common sense at the end, scattered into million of pieces once trying to collect them together , so easy the storm blow and scatter each piece as far from others as it could. Trying to understand and nothing to be said but I myself who open the door for the storm to blow and make my life a waste and senseless. Building walls of fears and lack of trust and seeing the world as unreal and the dark side is gaining and reaping each fruit with nonstop actions and Iam drowning in the ocean as a gold fish. After many year I know now my true self, a gold fish, she can be crushed so easily and breaks whenever any storm comes. So it is me who is refusing to live like a shark and not to blame nayone but herself, taking responsibility of being fragile not strong, easy to be broken and nothing left, shadows of old self that no more make sense.
It is better to understand your true self hence you can understand why things happen this way because of you , you never changed. facing the world with the same old mentality that breaks me down and it became like a code about myself. Manual so easy to be read and prepare the right attack or action and the result is guaranteed, so no solid foundation like building a house on sinking sand, will be washed away whenever storms or flood occurred. No solid foundation on who you truly are and why you are here on earth. No blaming shifting game the whole responsibility is me and overcoming such painful truth that is the true freedom that i could ever achieve on this earth to be on a solid foundation on a rock , hard to be shaken or token down .
The way to freedom is so painful as it melts you down when you come to nothing and allowing the holy spirit to bring you back to life and to feel His presence in each step of the journey without fears or shame and to surrender to His will. To exist and find your humanness when it was lost. By: Manal Eweis
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