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It is the season to reflect, re-evaluate, and re-think how the months and days of the year allowed us to experience. Is there something new, or did your year go through the same old you? Have you seen yourself growing older, and you have left way long years behind. Some were good, some were shaky, and others in between, like dancing on the stairs, one step forward, ten steps back. That's life. However, there are moments that we hope to relive and make different choices. It is said that childhood trauma is a neurological injury that sets your systems on the fight-flight-freeze, fawn response. It shapes a pattern of shaky relationships, many has taught us hard lessons, yet we go back to wishful state, with hopes and dreams thinking that by changing places faces something is different, forgetting the real thing that is you. Places, times, and faces may trigger an old pattern that disrupts the biological systems running on the fight-flight-freeze and fawn response. Thinking that your trauma is known only by you, thinking that it is your load, you have to carry it through. You think as you grow older, everything will faint and become a turning sheet to write a new one of your own that only fits with you, not taking others' stories with you.
Your immersion in your story means that you become unaware of the places, time, and faces that will seize the opportunity and misuse your trauma to shake your grounds and write a different story from the one you once thought you had the right to do. You missed the point that some strive on others' wounds, pain, and aches and manipulate the situations to get what they want only because your trauma feeds their pride and ego, and they strive for more. You open your life to waves of ups and downs, like racing in the shaky valley without guidance or understanding what all this is about. Once you think you can dream and make your dream come true, you are unaware that your dream will be taken away and become someone else's reality. You are kept in the corner of nowhere as you are an easy target, and you are nobody, no one cares about your dream, or you don't have the right to have one as if you are fading into nowhere, no faith, no belief. It is a tough place, the hardest place for anyone to ever be.
Growing older allows you to see more than you can ever imagine. You can see the same games of delusion, the same manipulation at different times, and different faces, yet the pattern is the same. Your dreams, hopes, and wishes are someone else's reality. And walking the route a million times, different places, times, and faces, yet the pattern is the same, and you become the audience to watch everything flee in the space of nowhere. The delusion of having a world that believes in your dream and makes it your own without the fear it will be taken away again and again. The pain and the separation from the world is the way to go without voice, without the desire to keep pursuing what you thought once was yours. The flow of ideas, actions, and conversations without a meaning or purpose to catch. It is a tough place to remain in it for a long time. However, it wasn't your choice. The trauma drove the schema, the scenarios, and the gain of who wants to win, and the other is always a winner who makes others' dreams theirs, and no one cares. It is life when trauma is misused and abused, ignoring the human in you and making an object out of you, like the dry waters in a shallow lake thinking that there was water one day, dwelling on this past image, forgetting the present as it makes you remember your pain.
Be aware that taking you out of your dreams and hopes is the only game everyone wants; you played a role in this as you haven't believed that you have a right to think, dream, and pursue your dreams as GOD's creation and will for you. It is you who gave up on yourself, allowing everything around you to control you and keep you in a corner of the unknown. Not everyone wishes you well or wants the best for your life. Life is a battlefield where plants and weeds have to fight battles without a specific goal when chaos, struggle, and walking on shaky grounds become the norm. Things happen, yet you are the only one who has to wake up and understand that once you give a chance for your dreams to be others' reality, you give up on yourself, so don't blame anyone but yourself. You put yourself down and ignored to true self, you neglected your value and your right to make your dream come true, do not expect everyone will push you toward your dream. It is only you who has to take responsibility and walk it through. Maybe it is a wake-up call to see GOD's creation within you. Maybe it is time to silence all the attempts to take everything out of you and leave you void and trapped in the unknown. Maybe it is a wake-up call to understand that rules are made to make some reign and others prisoners in a world that once thought stands for the free. To break your mind chains, alleviate your pain, don't wait on anyone to do it for you, take your responsibility and trust GOD in the unknown, keep moving, keep walking, and it is time to reset your mind on GOD's creation within you. HE knows you more than anyone else as HE made you the way you are, your are not your trauma, your are not what happened to you, you are you, simple as that. Put down all the burdens you carried through the years, and know that whoever wounded you, they were wounded first. Hurt people hurt people, yet healed people heal people as they know it is worth it. Opening your mind to GOD's healing and care for you is a blessing. He made you the way you are, so once again, it is time to reset your mind and let the healing begin. Peace!!! By: ME, "The old ancient woman."
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