2018 Reflections

 Wow, another year is almost about to say goodbye. With all its experiences, it showed me another window of life. Another year to reveal how far I walked and how much I learned. If I go back to rewind this year, the only thing and person I would rewind is myself. No blame but me, my ignorance took me into many experiences that one day I thought I will never go through them. Wondering God what do you want to teach me here. I am crushed to the point that it is hard for me to believe in anything I see or hear. It is hard for me to believe the same words over and over and expect different actions. When situations occur over and over and conversations occur over and over, why should I believe there will be a change this time or expecting different results? That is foolishness as my ignorance is so clear to anyone deals with me.

 By ignorance, I mean that allowing the same conversations and promises that weren't and won't carry out year after year, so clear that the lesson is not taught yet. It repeats itself so I can learn the lesson. Walking alone may be the best choice till I have a clear picture what all this about. Walking alone teaches you that the only true relationship and promises that are made by God not humans. I learned a big lesson not to count on any words being said as they won't be carried out. It is the nature of the true tough world we live in. Many times I say, please don't say something and you know for sure, it won't be carried out. This widens the gaps more and more and more walls are being built. A wall that by the time it hard to be broken. So, train yourself not to count on any words you hear or being said. Move on and count your blessings. Collect all the stones to remind you of the lessons that came your way. Honor God in each step you take. The only one you will hold accountable before is God. He made you the way you are. So interesting when you remember all the valleys that I walked through and experiencing the same situations. The same message is repeating itself," you do not deserve this or that, and the same scenario of being invisible and not be considered as a human being. Controlled life no true freedom of choice.  So interesting to find yourself going in a vicious loop and no way out. Coping with this vicious loop is like watching your fall with no strength to fight back.

Each year we are celebrating the birth of the savior while you witness your life as a prisoner of something you have no clue about. Calling out to God," Will you explain to me what all this about, I do not understand and I am tired? With wondering voice that has no answer or clarity what all this about and why me?  Walking from valley to valley, shadows of racing unknown faces trying to hold me back with envy and unexplained hatred and inconsiderate messages. Hammering this weak soul until she is beaten and has no strength to fight back, like David calling upon your name, LORD why you left me in this vicious loop with no way out. Like Joseph has no clue why he was sold, mistreated and imprisoned and crushed. Like Job, even the flesh was not well, Like Daniel in the den of the lion. Like Ruth in a foreign land. God,  do tell me so clear what do you want to teach me of all of this.

Stopping and doing nothing, taking a step back to understand, waiting at the shore to understand and see if the water is safe to cross. No more believing what I hear or see, only putting my trust in you LORD alone. Nothing is worthy if we are not honest with ourselves first. No sugar coating no hiding not to say the truth. LORD, you are the greatest mind of all. LORD, you are the Mighty and able God to change the situation for your glory OH! LORD. With my weary soul, I put my life again in Your hand LORD, let you will be done not mine. Search my heart Oh! lord and guide my steps and guide my heart. I have no clue what to do next or which way to go all I know that You will carry me through this , 2018 thank you for all the lessons you brought me to, as they all reflect the broken heart and the shorthand of hatred and impure hearts that trust only in the flesh, not God. God thank you for revealing to me many truths and keeping me in your hand. LORD waking in life with a question will you show me the way? By: ME" the old ancient Woman"