It has been along time since I wrote my reflections. Each day has been turning into another peak to climb. I didn't or don't have to be prepared about it.Day after day proves how much I have to change and how. The world is not designed for my utopia mind set or the naivety, ignorance and easy to trust mindset. The world is really tough. Narrow space for real outspoken truth.
Summer has been a very dramatic season that left its scars again on me. There is an iron costume ,shaped and wrapped around me. Trying to protect myself as much as I could even the everyday events are so weird not normal. Conflicts, arguments, unexplained hate from people I hardly know them.Work brought us together, yet, my presence brings uncomfortable irritating emotions around the place. Tension arouse and fill the place, again I allow the negative energy to control my thought and day.Seeking a different chance, making different interviews and knocking different doors. When God offered the opportunities, the same scenario happened as last year , the same month and the same zone , my car accident happened. That was a no other coincidence. All I thought of that time, that Iam no importance for anyone , my life does not matter. Here Iam standing to face the situation and see where it would lead me this time.
As always happens after accidents, you are not aware of anything around you, still in the shock. Remembering all past events and how my life has been faced by many crisis not only this one. Going back home after doing all what I have to do to seek a solution and get my car fixed. I sat alone in deep thought. The world does not make sense to me. All faces, conversations, smiles that I witness on daily basis ,do not make any sense for me. All hide another truth. Iam in a middle of a game. A game of one party playing it and Iam the lab rat of the game. If you couldn't control someone ,control how the world see them. Paranoid, phobic, intimidated, unsettled, filled with anxiety and fears, break their confidence, break their trust in life, crush them more and more with heavy burden that they can not stand and walk again. All this is the battle of the world not of Jesus.
After couple of days, back and knee pain, yet, I kept my silence . No system works to help a person in my situation ,you have to carry the load with a smile or more burdens will be falling unto you. Keeping my silence, trying to make ends meet. Trying to pretend nothing happened and nothing is worthy in this life around me. Paying whatever is needed to be paid. Living so frugal, isolated myself from any community I knew as my existence does bother .
Each day Iam seeking a clear, straight forward simple life, Iam 46 years old. Iam not in my 20s Or 30s. My life has been a quiet journey. People judge you according to what they see with the naked eyes. They do not see the inside So wherever I go there is a hidden battle in the place. My pain, my sorrows my losses , they do not see.All they see is the flesh and that is the huge stumbling block in my journey. Seeking a higher goal or purpose in life , does not make sense for them. To explain yourself is a waste of time and life. If you explain why, it will be taken against you, or it will be used against you. So, stabbing is something , does not bother me anymore.
What really bother me, that everyone is not seeing the privileges they already had and the freedom they owned since they were born. The endless blessings around them and what God has put inside each one of them.Poisoning life by focusing on the other and how to make their life difficult . What bother me, with all the wealth and opportunities there is shortage of empathy, understanding and inclusion. There is shortage to be aware of each word is being said about one another or someone else. What bother me, the hidden hate, prejudice, jealousy and harsh judgement to others not looking within.
Yes, looking for a deeper understanding and acceptance to all the hardships I have been going through, shows me many things I was not aware of. Walking in life not content of what God has put inside of you, will make you jealous of anyone else. Walking of life with a mindset that whoever before me, I throw them under the bus to reach first, is the jungle principal of survival , if you could not be smart, be hard. And that is the truth we live in " be hard" " be harsh" " be judgmental" " be a bully" belittle everyone that irritate you" . Then we wonder why we live such dramatic, toxic life that makes you throw up all the time you are face with all these BEs.
Looking for a face of truth is a hard journey to live, year after year ,Iam telling myself," why are we here on earth?" Please , if you truly know Jesus , let your way be like him. Make your words in agreement with your actions. As the world mixed everything up . Iam not anymore knowing where the truth is. BY: Manal Eweis" The Old Ancient Woman"
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