The first words that jumped into my mind : Prepare... tearing down walls. self , pride , singing. God is this another message you are giving it to me again? As many hard times that I had and each time I keep on hiding and isolation and the more I hide the more strange things are happening so why being captive into my fears, negativity and the chains that keeps me captive so each time I decide to break these fears and captivity I remind myself of the promise to give my life to him in service and truly believe that He set me free . So each time the idea of praising Him publicly brings itself to me with each hard time in my struggle with my fears and I talk to myself you believe , you know he sets you free so why are you afraid and you give ears to the enemy to put you down that you are not good at anything, who do you think you're and here I started to break these fears within the walls i live in ,I started to praise Him and outside I walk with chains and fears that drag me down.
So I do live a dual mentality, the mentality of being free indoors and outdoors still I walk with the voice of captivity and that shape a heavy package into my days , months , years no change then I had the hardest time when I had three car accidents and realized again how life can end in a second and still Iam living in the captivity of fears and failure within me so is this how you are proving His presence in your life to allow circumstances to put you in a capsule and isolation till you become a vapor and no witness for His glory that he put breath into my life and created me not in vain. What are you going to do? and here the voice of praise Him came again , so I decided to tell the Choir director in our church to allow me to practice with them, I don't know if it is a true voice or like many other voices not true .The surprise she agreed and here I came to the conflict within me again who you are? why do you think you can do this , don't make fun of yourself so I came back to me cocoon again , watching how courageous everybody who is signing not me, I am a mess, yes, that is the inner voice within me, you are a mess.
Again reading God's word and feeling encouraged that Jesus came for this mess, He didn't come for the perfect , He knows we all fall short and many times we don't get it right and here He proves His presence within this mess. To break the walls of fears and feeling awful about myself and Iam almost getting to my 50's No way when you will be free of fears, disgrace, captivity of all the negative voice around? When you will be free to worship to serve whole hardheartedly and offering yourself for a better cause to praise Him to say it loud and walk with fully trust that He does set us free, no fears, saying it is easy , doing it that is the hardest part. Action speaks louder than words. Faith without deeds is death. To be alive proof that nothing can separate us from being a witness to His presence in the midst of our mess.
All this conversation is coming back and forth within my mind. Like a child is scared of getting into the water. Anxiety , phobia , stress, and the list goes on to cripple us within the world of darkness where we are even scared from the light. I love writing, illustrating, to think, problem solving, creativity is my continuous flame that never faint, many ideas without application , and no application means nothing , everything in the air. No one will be able to break all the walls i build around myself but Jesus , so bringing myself to His , raising my voice to praise Him , may allow me to understand which way He is calling me to.. Iam sure I am going within the mid age crisis in the way of searching for my life purpose , I don't want to waste more time not to understand what really he meant for me? Seeking guidance with no answers, It is me who has to understand her true self without fears.
Again the chance came when there is a call to serve and here Iam asking again if I can practice with the Choir and here the time doesn't fit ,and here again Iam asking God Iam trying to tear the walls of fear and yet it didn't happen and here my friend is sending an invitation to attend a tie to worship with a gathering of women ministry and here Iam one among a group of women who are raising their voice with praise , maybe this is how God wants me to do to be among not to lead , to be a small voice within so many other voices , maybe this is how it is for someone like me, wandering and questioning everything she does. Let your will be done not mine , in Jesus name.
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