When there is a breath, there is a life calling

It has been 43 years since my trauma started to build up. Absolutely back then the word Trauma was not even identified. Things happen to people and life goes on. An what has happened has happened. Or medicine and tools were not advanced or even no internet where the world becomes so small that you can search, dig deep and have day by day another piece of the puzzle to understand. That event was beyond all beliefs when I was 4 years old and got the first accident that sent me to the other world and by a miracle, I was saved, had new skin and new body and I was called the miracle girl.

Noone caught the consequences of that event on my neurophysiology. My pain wasn't explained as no diagnose to it and here the psychological battle started especially the more I get older. It is not cold, it is not a common diagnosis. Medications didn't work. Staying in bed for days. Days of pain and crying and being accused of acting out, not real, spoiled, rebellious, stubborn and more labels were added. It was and still this part of me that I couldn't understand back then.


More events followed and the struggle becomes part and parcel of my journey. Each day I doubted that I can be normal, with no pain and be happy, yet it doesn't happen. The pain took me out of normal life and feel normal among others. Years and years I thought Iam cursed and God hates me. As the old belief that God punishes us with sickness. I have had done something bad and God is mad at me so He cursed me with undiagnosed pain. Walking in the world with that heavy burden and feeling not alive and I don't belong to the world or I don't deserve to be alive that is how God is punishing me. So you walk with shame and guilt for the way you are and how you are in the world.

Every day I was given a breath, I become more determined and more persistent that I am alive and I can do things and be in the world. Getting through the maniac journey of trying to know exactly what is the name of your pain. It has to have a name, going from one doctor to another and all are assumptions and maybe or it has a name that is called stress or immune disorder so as a naive recipient of these expressions, I told myself there is no disease like this. I remember back days when some doctors say " you need to live in a utopia or unstressed environment". Yet how this could happen or what odes it mean nothing but giving me vitamins or certain medicine that makes me more different and still my pain doesn't want to go. Trying to defend myself that I didn't bring this unto me, yet not understood. Trying to hide and disappear from life, I lose connection with the world around me. Trying to connect, I feel I don't belong and there is a big bridge between me and others. So the Pschoemotional battle started to take deep roots in my daily life. And that didn't get me where I want to be. I lost a sense of normal life and iam hanging on survival. In an unbreakable bubble. I avoided all emotional pressures or gatherings or talking about the negative scenario that persists in my daily life. It is an inner battle, what is seen is iceberg, the top of it, everything is ok.


Lack of understanding about chronic pain leads societies to condemn and judge those who are struggling within. Many give up, others become victims to the negative consequences of so many bad choices and decline of quality of life. Some choose not to surrender to either and start their own personal journey of discovering what this all about. It is a journey of self-commitment and hard work to understand why their bodies interact in such a way? Getting to the root of the Neurophysiology of themselves and how the environment can change our gene expression, being over adapted and stuck in patterns that no more serve us on the healing journey. It is a long journey and deep as well. Our bodies are not flawed, our bodies require deeper understanding and willingness to learn, unlearn and having the right tools to put them into action and believe, as long as you have a breath, there is life calling your name and it is a unique life that witness in each scar there is a flame of hope is being rebirthed.  Despite it seems so limited life in your understanding, there is more to come to put you in peace with the journey and use your mess as your message. Hold on and keep learning and understanding and be your pain friend, show it compassion, let it know that you are not angry or ashamed of it anymore and you want this commitment to walk together and help one another to overcome that high peak curve of growth and mutual respect. we humans are so miraculously made that our cells can be regenerated if we have the right tools and the right support system around you and understanding the red flags that keep your pain in alert and move away from them, be your own self-advocate and belief that God sees you and loves you the way you are. Honor the pain, honor the journey and have hope