We all experience tough, hard experiences in our lives, yet when experiences accumulate, here we are on the fringe of trauma complex and disorganized brain networks and it all reflected in our reactions into the world around us. When you come to know that as part of healing is to identify your experiences, notice what is happening in your body, sensations, emotions, image, and thoughts, here you start to make sense of the why's. It is not the present, it is the past that imprinted in your nervous system. Understanding this point itself is a huge victory in a persons life seeking healing and win the battle that is going on like the ocean current. You are living in your head, disconnected from the present even you do exist in the present, yet your attachment system is dead.
And here your connection to the present is lost. you live in the past, the brokenness and no hope. Putting the lens of remember to remember and remember to forget is a new scope to understand that you are in the here and now and the past isn't going to repeat itself. You are your emotions, you are your thoughts. So putting the lens of remember to remember, I found myself looking at my cell phone broken screen that happened after my hand accident, the event that switched me completely that I'm not alive, I am walking dead. Remembering my broken life and how my nervous system took over and developed the defense mechanisms to protect me, to keep me safe. The alarm detector is awake 24/7. I am not safe, reading the present with the past scope, keeping my brokenness as a reminder of all that happened, remember not to forget, keep your brokenness before your eyes that is why I didn't attempt to change my phone till I overcome this battle. Not being ashamed of your brokenness is a victory, being able not to be ashamed of your scars is a victory as this is where I am right now, so no more run away. I walk with dignity through my scars and brokenness. Repeating to myself that is not going to happen again, and guess what things happen, we all build our defenses to keep us safe, so why not me?
And here what we reap through these defense networks: anxiety ,fear, panic attacks, hypertension, hyperactivity, or shut down and I confess, I became the queen of shutting down, no more ,I am tired and looking back at my half sensed hand right now that I can't hold heavy stuff anymore or control holding something for 5 minutes and in constant unexplained pain that I coped to live with and then I look at my cell phone to remember my brokenness and the world I belong to, the world of nowhere. Accumulated pain and stress results in chronic pain and immune system disorder as your bio map has already changed.
Starting my healing journey I have to be isolated, not attached to anything around me, and listen to everything I am surrounded with, that brings me to the moment to reconnect with the present and understand my new identity. Noticing how I feel and restate it when that started and why. Unfolding the onion layer, the layers of stuck emotions and trapped thoughts. Realizing how far I am disconnected, detached from the human world. Seeing the present with the lense of the past life.
To bring myself into the present, I have to go within, notice my feelings, emotions, images, thoughts and sensations that give the message run, run you are not safe, calming the brain has to start with calming the body first and how this could happen, remember to remember you brokenness and that you want to step forward and admit it and move on, move on to the world of discovery and curiosity, to rebuild these neuro networks that are damaged through the years, to reconnect with the present with a new understanding . So no panic, everything makes sense in the world of trauma. Everything is normal no judgment, and that is the victory of realizing where you are right now. No one will understand but you, so keep moving to uncover these layers of disconnection and detachment. Building new pathways into a new world of meaning and purpose. Take a deep breath may help ,yet remember to remember you brokenness is the flame that lit this flame within to the road of healing and living a normal life like so many others, life is so precious and it is short ,don't hide yourself from your brokenness, it is the flame that ignites the truth within. I am not perfect and I won't be one. I am reflecting the true journey of a living spirit, beaten, yet not defeated. By ME" The Old ancient woman"
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