No panic......

We all experience tough, hard experiences in our lives, yet when experiences accumulate, here we are on the fringe of trauma complex and disorganized brain networks and it all reflected in our reactions into the world around us. When you come to know that as part of healing is to identify your experiences, notice what is happening in your body, sensations, emotions, image, and thoughts, here you start to make sense of the why's. It is not the present, it is the past that imprinted in your nervous system. Understanding this point itself is a huge victory in a persons life seeking healing and win the battle that is going on like the ocean current. You are living in your head, disconnected from the present even you do exist in the present, yet your attachment system is dead. 

And here your connection to the present is lost. you live in the past, the brokenness and no hope. Putting the lens of remember to remember and remember to forget is a new scope to understand that you are in the here and now and the past isn't going to repeat itself. You are your emotions, you are your thoughts. So putting the lens of remember to remember, I found myself looking at my cell phone broken screen that happened after my hand accident, the event that switched me completely that I'm not alive, I am walking dead. Remembering my broken life and how my nervous system took over and developed the defense mechanisms to protect me, to keep me safe. The alarm detector is awake 24/7. I am not safe, reading the present with the past scope, keeping my brokenness as a reminder of all that happened, remember not to forget, keep your brokenness before your eyes that is why I didn't attempt to change my phone till I overcome this battle. Not being ashamed of your brokenness is a victory, being able not to be ashamed of your scars is a victory as this is where I am right now, so no more run away. I walk with dignity through my scars and brokenness. Repeating to myself that is not going to happen again, and guess what things happen, we all build our defenses to keep us safe, so why not me? 

And here what we reap through these defense networks: anxiety ,fear, panic attacks, hypertension, hyperactivity, or shut down and I confess, I became the queen of shutting down, no more ,I am tired and looking back at my half sensed hand right now that I can't hold heavy stuff anymore or control holding something for 5 minutes and in constant unexplained pain that I coped to live with and then I look at my cell phone to remember my brokenness and the world I belong to, the world of nowhere. Accumulated pain and stress results in chronic pain and immune system disorder as your bio map has already changed. 

Starting my healing journey I have to be isolated, not attached to anything around me, and listen to everything I am surrounded with, that brings me to the moment to reconnect with the present and understand my new identity. Noticing how I feel and restate it when that started and why. Unfolding the onion layer, the layers of stuck emotions and trapped thoughts. Realizing how far I am disconnected, detached from the human world. Seeing the present with the lense of the past life. 

To bring myself into the present, I have to go within, notice my feelings, emotions, images, thoughts and sensations that give the message run, run you are not safe, calming the brain has to start with calming the body first and how this could happen, remember to remember you brokenness and that you want to step forward and admit it and move on, move on to the world of discovery and curiosity, to rebuild these neuro networks that are damaged through the years, to reconnect with the present with a new understanding . So no panic, everything makes sense in the world of trauma. Everything is normal no judgment, and that is the victory of realizing where you are right now. No one will understand but you, so keep moving to uncover these layers of disconnection and detachment. Building new pathways into a new world of meaning and purpose. Take a deep breath may help ,yet remember to remember you brokenness is the flame that lit this flame within to the road of healing and living a normal life like so many others, life is so precious and it is short ,don't hide yourself from your brokenness, it is the flame that ignites the truth within. I am not perfect and I won't be one. I am reflecting the true journey of a living spirit, beaten, yet not defeated. By ME" The Old ancient woman" 

The Heaviness Within

 None of us choose where they were born or how? None of us can decide what to do on their first day, we were born, Who would be the family, the environment, the country, the place you would spend your time growing and being exposed to what we call life, a life of a kind, with a mark or without, no choice. I love the words that normally are repeated on each Christian tongue, we are children of God, you are a child of God. Good words, nice words, day by day it depends on the type of life you will grow within, these words would reflect a certain message to you. Maybe joy, maybe confidence, maybe pride, or maybe separation, confusion, questioning, and disassociation or even numbness of every speck of emotions within. I got you, I understand you, no wonder, take a breath and let's move on...


First of all these words are not easy to be said or taken for granted. When we look closely at the most powerful word is being mentioned here." GOD". The word that shakes heavens and earth, the word that makes each piece of you tremble for He is POWER. The fear within comes naturally, OH! GOD, how can I use YOUR name like many other names? How come I repeat YOUR name like the norm or routines done through my day? What am I missing here? Whole a lot, Yes, whole a lot of a profound understanding of the value of using YOUR name GOD into my day.


Witnessing the heaviness within a young child doesn't have the words to interpret what they are going through or what the society put on them, welcome to by nature trauma inheritance, imagine, you didn't have a choice in anything around you and here you have to take it, live it and don't know how to do with it or deal with it. Here comes the conscience of a society that is dead within due to the natural inheritance of trauma they received a long time ago and passing it to the next generation. The heaviness of the pain smells, you can sense it from afar, here pain dwells with bitterness and no way out. a body that is shaped with whatever thrown unto them. Helplessness, sadness within, yet you are still able to eat, drink, walk, talk and live. Yet, what kind of life you are living? what do you think will happen next? Do you see a different life? and how is it? Will it make the natural inheritance of trauma extend to the next ones or it has to come to stop?


Yet being helpless, unable, unaware, ignorant, blind to see who has to take the step for the change. I hear your heavy breath, I see your conflicts within, I understand you have to survive, do the day, don't think now or maybe not thinking at all. Ass thinking will bring and recall more and more pain.  Living in a community not feeling safe, wondering what will happen next or will it come to an end? Living the cultural norm that put hundreds of labels upon you, and dealing with you with everybody else sin, so your heaviness is way far beyond your comprehension. To dream is not something you can fantasize about or believe in. Day by day you grow and dreaming of change. Looking at everyone in a certain way, the culture complex made you that way, your body developed a language of its own. The body keeps the score of every single experience you have been through. Putting the mask of being well, or angry or mad or even not here at all. All are defense mechanisms you develop for your life to go on.

The cycle goes on and on and on till someone has to stop it dramatically of realizing the true calling, meaning that made you go through all of this. This is not an easy destiny or fate. It is all about who you surround yourself with. all these thoughts came while I am reading a very powerful reference, a book is written by DR.Henry Cloud," The Power Of The Other". Everything is a result of which corner of life you are in. Corner number one: Disconnected, No connection even you are surrounded by many, yet you are cut off or hard to get along with others this you live in isolation which is a bad corner to live in. You are stuck. Corner number two: The bad connection: which is all about bad relationships, the biggest trauma happened in corner two, abuse, neglect, crime, aggression, putting others down, controlling, dehumanize people guilt, not good enough, not worthy, anxiety, depression, inferiority, lack of support, deceiving, misleading ,bad use of people . For me corner two that what you witness or live every single day when your choices or repeating being surrounded by people make you feel this way that will lead to all challenges we are facing right now, separations, chronic diseases, unresolved crimes, it all accumulate in epigenetics and the change of our genes expressions that lead to escalation of trauma ,even neuroscience hasn't reached to a conclusion why that will keep occurring and relived in selective communities. For me, corner number two is the biggest internal crime is committed toward children of God who do we traumatize and humanize? children of GOD pay attention to that lineage human brain activity toward one another. That is so scary and dangerous.

Corner number three: The Pseudo- Good Connection, the fun party, let's have some fun, it feels good at the time, yet it will leave you back to the same life you are living in, seeking fun without getting to the root of the problem will leave the elephant in the room. That what we call fake connections, no real connection as they only seek the surficial pattern of life happy, yet the real you doesn't exist. still, you are left alone and isolated. They don't really cure the disease, you are still sick, they just ease the pain with fake positivity, no real life there or real humans. They don't want to dig deep with you to find the true you and help you to grow, by means wrong signals to the brain. The seductively false connections. Corner four: True connection: the essence of what makes life work. How to get the essential supplies that make life work. they do not enter without your permission." where you can be your real self, real authentic you, a real relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, and soul, and passion. Both parties to the relationship are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested. What each truly thinks, feels, believes, fears, and needs can be shared safely." As Dr.Henry Cloud mentioned in his book.


How many of us have to go to a very stormy ocean finding themselves over and over surrounded by corner one, two and three, the roundabout of stuck life. Each experience is proof of such an invaluable book about the power of the other. You may take ownership, responsibility, initiatives, step one, yet who is around you will determine the outcome, no matter efforts you try to put in or invest in. Who is around you will predict how your day will go, week, mother or even your life. Start looking who is around you and which corner they bring you to? Is it isolation, anxiety, condemnation, guilt or they truly believe and honor you are a child of God worthy of every chance to bring dignity, self esteem, self worth, your value into the light, glorifying and honoring God in each word they use to call you by name and walk with you till you are what God meant for you to be, use your internal compass to guide you to find corner four the true connection no shame no guilt, no control or condemnation . We rise stronger when we believe in the power of each other and what difference we can make in this life together, we either rise together or fall apart and being in corner one and two ,and don't either blind your eye and live within fake positivity that is not willing to dig for the truth, be aware of life a roundabout and seek wisdom, guidance from GOD to walk you through the path of true life connection. Miracles can happen if we put all our trust in Him, seek and you will find, be a builder, not a diminisher, life is short, believe it or not, the heaviness within that what we live.... so move on and do something, don't wait so long, life is short. By: ME" The Old ancient woman" 

A stand Point

Have you noticed that the world around you is like a tangeled web of intersections? If you decide to understand it, so welcome to the never-ending channels you will go through. When you want to get the bigger picture to see where are you going, so welcome to ambiguity and distractions. Searching for like-minded fellows, wow, welcome to another game, and another game as the narrower you get the harder to pass.

   So what is the point right here? I see, bear with me as I am trying to get my point across. Can you see with me that culture manipulate everything around? No clear plan, framework, straight forward policies or strategies. We can use you as long as something else arouses or another person will change the whole plan. There are things you can't question or get to know, the secrecy that what you call the culture around you. Outsiders are wagers, workers, filling spots not included in the big picture this means you are in the place till an insider takes over.

   


    For outsiders, no chances for growth, or change of the status -quo. They are stagnant where they are, framed, and inboxed and no matter they try, the challenge persists, finding themselves in the same vicious cycle. You are not included, you are on the borderline. Your story of defeat has to persist. No hope, no way out, you don't fit within the culture, you don't understand others mindset. So, you are limited, you aren't able to handle this or go further or deal with this or that, limitations become your new name. Smiles in your face mean self-pity" Poor you" you don't know the game or how to play it. A severe degradation to human capacity, dehumanizing the most Nobel creature on earth, we humans. 


   Be part of a team, you don't fit. Propose ideas, Oh! we can't do this. GO the extra mile, doubting your will. Be realistic and do what is right, no thank you let's do this. Side talk, walking away, eyes to eyes and complete silence. Do you think there will be hope in the place? Do you think there will be opportunities for an outsider to flourish and be who they are or secrecy dominate the world around?

  As an outsider, belonging and inclusion aren't in the dictionary of everyday life, I am a worker, I get my wage till an insider comes and take place. There is no deep security in your day. Working every day that I do add value is only a message I have to repeat to myself, and keep repeating it till I find my folks where we can speak the same message of growth mindset, hope and change is part of life and being stagnant is a label put on me by society culture where certain mindset is only welcomed, no place for differentiation . Asking myself why I keep repeating the same vicious cycle? The answer is so clear as Albert Einstein said it doesn't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.


  The change has to come from within, don't expect it from the outside. Belonging doesn't exist. It is a meaningless word as you may encounter things that will increase your exclusion. So stop looking for belonging it doesn't exist. I hope you get my point and will give you hope in living with your struggles, embrace them as you walk the walk of life.By: ME " The old ancient woman"