The Tough Reality.....

 

 If there are words to describe where I am right now, I can tell I have another mountain to climb. a mountain to face realities, and the undeclared realities. In a world that almost around 8 billion population, you experience such heaviness of the dark side of the world. It brings you to face the inner you, with all the doubts you have that there is a straight line for life. I am almost closing my fifth decade in life, however, the lesson learned made me feel as if I am double my age. There is no denying that in the middle of small joys I am trying to create in my burdened life, trying to take it day by day, around the corner, there is a hidden frienemy who snaps these joys out of envy and jealousy of what is seen. I admit that the heart is the most needed part of the body any person needs to work on. I noticed every year, no matter I am trying to keep myself dignity and recreate my life, there are some waves that are not happy about these choices. I felt as if I am a tool being used and no one cares about what she wants. I felt there is no freedom of choice for people like me. I felt the heaviness of more isolation and not being able to invite anything into my life once again. The lessons are so hard to fathom. So hard to relive the experiences over and over, year after year that truly I don't have clarity around me. I feel I am walking a very ambiguous journey with no clear outcomes. I admit due to each obstacle I face, I do not trust in anything or anyone. I do prefer to keep my limits and boundaries as I am the creation of God who made me the way I am. each lesson I learn is so expensive and tough. I realized that walking the journey on my own is the best solution to keep my integrity and dignity. I am not identified by certain political or religious affiliations, I am God's creation and whatever I do is reflecting God's creation within me. I witnessed the division among humans for multiple reasons social, economical, political, religious, emotional, even without an apparent reason. in the midst of my hardship, I face my realities, asking God's guidance and protection. I learned not to expect anything from anyone. No one is obliged to do something for me as I won't pay back or can afford what is needed to be done. I am more to ground to know that life is not easy to journey, however, I have to do my part. 

Understanding the human conditions, most human diseases are the result of generational traumatic misbeliefs about those who are different from others. I experienced and witnessed the dynamic of human behavior clusters that align with common interests. These clusters shape the mindset, and the older you are, the harder it is to change. Many times we carry inner battles that are inherited from the past. Repeating the same negative patterns that do harm than good.  Understanding these patterns require attention and focus from humans to go back within and ask:" where am II? what is my true identity? who belongs to me and who will have your back if you fall? tough reality to understand that it is hard to understand how I think, feel, and do, and this is so important for me. I learned through the way that in any given situation you are the only one who is going to be judged and criticized. It happens and will keep on happening since there are unconnected two bridges within the mindset. The bridge of perfectionism is where the person has to check all the points on the checklist to have permission to exist and if you are not aligning with this checklist, you are dysfunctional, disqualified, and not accepted or being conditioned to exist. No matter what you do the big sign is the same," No Entry" good job. Thanks for all you do and no more. The bridge of " you are not enough"  where you are measured by where you live, social status, economic status, and your individuality has been denied as if you are incomplete when you don't have someone to be acquainted with. You are a woman, you are not trusted as long as we can see that you belong to someone. The old mindset, women as property, labeled under somebody so she can take the permission to exist.  The big sign is " YOU ARE NOT Enough". Nothing but trials and rejections you get along the way, no matter what your education, or resume, or GPA, you are not enough and out of the social context. Life is made harder for you for who you are. No system or law will be for you as you are not perfect, you are not enough. A mindset that sets conditions on your existence as a human.   You have to understand this reality and all you do by yourself, you are God's creation no matter how many times you are denied, rejected, or put in dark situations, in God's eyes you are enough. Breathe his grace.  The world perception of you doesn't reflect any truth rather the world's own truths that serve a function in repeating stereotypes or prototypes for a vicious cycle is running from generation to generation.  Creating a surrender to dependency, codependency, and resistance against independence and interdependence. The human is conditioned to the functional environment more than embracing God's endless skills, abilities, talents, and unique qualities when He created us in His image. You are a co-creator with God in His will for a life that reflects His own beauty and abundance.   By: ME " the old ancient woman."