The Silent Killer

 We all go through life with hopes and dreams. Like many others one day you dreamed the big dreams. You thought that you are the beautiful image of God. Looking at His indescribable creation that surprises you every single moment of your life, a breathtaking of His awesome beauty.  Telling yourself, yes lord my inner beauty comes from you. I feel it each day you give to me. Yes, Lord, my simple principle of life goes back to my understanding from the deep bottom that you are the owner of everything. Yet, God, you created this dream of my heart that you made me the way I am for a reason. Yet, the actual world is ready with its surprises as well. From the perspective of a human made by God, full of life, using each strength you created lord in me to do as much as I could. I only look at you, you are my father, master, and guidance. You revealed yourself to me since I was little, You brought me from death multiple times as if my life is always about facing the shadows of death and here over and over, picking me up and bringing me back. Something within me desire to live, to be normal one day. To experience a regular day like any normal person.

 With each surprise and challenge threw into my way from the world, it brings me back to the spot of weakness, sickness and crippled, unable to recover easily without that pain that keeps sneaking into my life, body, and soul. A question lord, one day I was full of life and health, everyone envied me for being who I was at that time. Now Lord, what is the message you are trying to tell me? And why am I experiencing all this? Questioning love does not mean harm or hurt. Or Is this the silent killer. Creeping into your day with a mask of love and it is not what it looks physically. Questioning what all this about. Living a normal life seems like a far-fetched dream to come true. With each step Ia trying to overcome such creeping pain, it comes back over and over. Even I try to avoid all its triggers, it surprises me in moments that I do pray to you Lord," will I be able to be normal "


Looking at people from afar, walking with the belief, this is your life, sick person and most of the time in bed, trying to help yourself with homemade remedies to lessen the pain which is not obvious to others. Everything is internal.As I look from the outside that I got it all together, I look stubborn and many times dummy as I do not listen to the many voices that try to pull me in so many directions. Crying from the inside, saying Stop ,You do not see my pain, you do not understand it or feel it or even helping me to understand it, so please leave me alone to hear and listen the voice of God, to understand, to have peace that the battle is not mine, it is the lord, He is in control . I am done with all the judgments and all the opinions that are trying to dissect me as if I am a rat lab, each has their own perspective on what they want to believe about me, not who I really I am. As I reached my 46 years old, I say it aloud enough is enough, God you are in control By" ME, the old ancient woman"