Sometimes when we come to moments of awakening, we realize the depth of the journey, a journey has not been unfolded yet. A journey requires more search and deeper understanding. You don't settle for the superficial facts or go by as if nothing happened. A journey that helps you to notice, observe, and gives you these aha moments to proceed as who you are not what is dictated to be. When I started my journey of soul searching, I was troubled, since lots of things are beyond my understanding or hard to comprehend at that time of my journey, as it is being said, the teacher only shows up to make a difference when the student is ready and I wasn't ready, or there are lots of tangled, unresolved issues needed my attention. It is a deep journey as I mentioned before, few are invited to walk into it, for the hustle and bustle and the chaotic time we live in, it takes lots of courage to listen and try to understand.
When I don't write, I think, and when I am thinking I dive deep into the underlying meaning of things, so I have a very busy mind trying to connect the dots to make sense of a fragmented image before my eyes, for the last weeks I was astonished how I came to understand a piece of my journey. At age 4 years old, a huge betrayal happened, that is when I was electrocuted, in a stormy day, there wasn't advanced technology 43 years ago, that incident robbed me of my childhood, I journey my body carried, leaving me unable to speak till I was in 6th grade, that vivid child that was once filled with life, carried a challenge to express her need and wants, all she had is her eyes to observe and unable to reciprocate as everyone around. Her ability to say no when something wrong goes on, or be in a conversation that she feels, she is part of it, her silence became the mark to allow others to make her life. She became a doll in the hands of those who are supposed to protect her and help her make sense of life, a true life, a strong foundation to build on, all she noticed are her tears since she couldn't use her words to speak up or she didn't have the text to say or interpret. Her inner dialogue started to build.
She found her salvation in school where she was surrounded by a guardian angel who knew what she had been through and going through, she found a common conversation she can connect with them, that is the written word. A text, and context that she can collect words from and talk, yes, she started late, yet when she was ready, the teacher showed up. Books became her only true family and companion to help her collect the words and make conversation out of it, yet her incident left another mark that is her physical pain, her migraine, and constant state of sickness and no one around her comprehend, so she was the special person that was needed that care that wasn't understood. Her incident affected her neurologically and she had to experience this all the rest of the years, the best years teens even adulthood, she carried the shame of not being whole, healthy, and normal as anyone else, still, there is this inner dialogue telling herself this isn't the end, there is something good, there is something beautiful within. Her inner world became all that meant for her, connecting with the written text even in the midst of the pain. Her pain became her personal journey, yes, she became special that she wants special people to be around, those who understand the how through unexpressed or vocalizing how you feel at the moment of pain, still they are there, they feel you and hear the unheard. It's a unique journey, hard to walk within, so you are the only one who has to take the responsibility to carry on.
This unique journey that has no cure still or hard to diagnose brings you to trials and tribulations, the world only sees the doll that they can play with or throw her away when unwanted, so the world only focuses on the physical, how you look not within. A world that has no time to understand the journey that you are walking, who cares, life goes on. Your journey takes you to stops when your pain is doubled and you have to find those micro-moments of joy and have to full courage to stand for yourself. Maybe still I have difficulty expressing my needs and wants, still, I am doing my best to do what is best for that special person who chooses to understand herself, her body, and how to overcome the pain when it occurs. It's a journey that allowed her to explore the world of knowledge, perseverance, patience, and joy. Even when it is cloudy, there is a rainbow within. When she started to study her pain here miracles happen, she is being in the process of newing within. Bearing in mind God's word, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. the body can heal itself if we have a healthy connectedness between the mind-body-soul relationship. The body is trapped in the way we feel, think, and belief, many of the times we allow toxins to point that holy temple, most of the time we ignore to purify our souls and go deeper into the beauty that was created within, sometimes we allow the other stories to hurt and wound our soul, our body is the recipient of both mind-soul processes and what they feed the body with, even if you eat so healthy and have many people around what you feed your body of a higher level, reflect itself in pain that is a sign or the body voice to let you aware oh you are not taking care of me what you feed me is not good. So it is your responsibility to check that pain what is the source, how I allowed it to happen, what is the degree of it, is it tolerable or intolerable and how I ease it from my body? What resources do I have to ease this pain in a healthy way that won't hurt anyone around and reclaim myself? All start with how do you think and how to do you feel, if you come to the realization that wasn't a portion of good food, take your responsibility to detox it. Clarifying your mind and soul on a molecular level. take small steps toward healing and reconciliation to restore the better you. Try to identify the voices the pul you down, if you become aware of these voices know the pattern, style, and your condition being at this moment, the enemy comes to kill and destroy, but Jesus comes to give you life an eternal life, allow God to dwell in you and purify the holy temple He created, it is you By ME" The Old Ancient Woman"
